Friday, May 11, 2007

More Fun at the Expense of Missed Connections

I actually don't spend all day reading the Craigslist Missed Connections and hoping that something especially entertaining or worthy of derision pops up. I just browse through them once a week or so. I usually don't have to look very hard.

Let's start out with the entertaining category:

Wish we could have finished - m4m - 36

JW: Wish we could have finished what we started. Had to go back to get my glasses on the stone wall and had 3 catapilers on me. If you see this message and want to finish up, let me know! Otherwise, I had fun and hope you did too!

--- WJ

Hee. I'm sure that you can imagine just as well as I what it was they started. WJ, thanks for sharing (really), but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that JW isn't sitting around with blue balls waiting to find an MC so he can pick up some more grass stains. I'm pretty sure he just moved on to the next stone wall or went home and tore one off.

For the record: I do not approve of sex with animals, and I would like to express my profound hope that no "catapilers" were injured in the making of this (semi-)missed connection. Sadly, the same obviously cannot be said for the English language.

Now on to the sad:

St. Matt's Cathedral, Sunday, 5:30 p.m. - m4m - 35

I posted a week ago. You are that hot, tall guy, salt & pepper hair, goatee, cool glasses, who sits on the right side, middle. You are there just about every weekend, but I didn't see you last weekend -- where did you go? Are you now in some undisclosed location? Did I scare you away? I hope not -- it's become the reason I go to church lately.

I almost feel bad about making fun of somebody who's having a spiritual crisis, but rolling my eyes ameliorates my guilt. Articulating the various sins of this poster might be unnecessary, given their obviousness, but it's never stopped me before, so a few words to poster boy:

1. Dude. The guy never read your original ad. If he had, you'd have gotten a cease-and-desist email from his attorney.
2. If he did read your ad, do you really think that it would be enough to stop him from going to church? If his faith was that weak, maybe you did him a favor.
3. There are few places on God's green earth where it's easier to say hello to someone than in a church. How meek do you have to be not to be able to wish a fellow congregant a good morning? Granted, the path from "good morning" to "I'd really appreciate it if we could hang around until the church clears out so you can bend me over this here pew and make me call out to my creator" is a thorny one, but the first step is really easy.
4. "Undisclosed location"? What, are you crushing Dick Cheney? Because: ew.
5. The meek are not going to inherit the earth. Or, if they do, it'll only be after everyone else has ruined it and boarded the intergalactic cruiser to the new home planet.
6. You only come to church to ogle one guy? Hey, it's May! Become a pagan and spend Sunday morning in the park, ogling lots of hot SHIRTLESS guys and offering them flagons of mead. Or whatever pagans drink these days. If this guy's the only reason you go to St. Matt's, you can't tell me that your faith is so strong that you can't switch religions; besides, if one God is good, aren't multiple gods great?
7. You fucking douchebag. Here was a man, a hot man, trying to make his peace with God, trying to do the right thing, trying to save his immortal soul, and you chased him away, straight into the arms of the devil! He's going to rot in hell now, and it's all your fault!

Finally, a kind word for an otherwise unfortunate ad:

Deaf and Hard of Hearing in Govt Conference - Jeremy - m4m - 37

Jeremy, we talked briefly today, but I had seen you before. You were helping out at the DHHIG Conference this morning. If you see this, you will know who it is. Uhm, hopefully, you are gay? =) Wanna grab lunch sometime?

You know, meek poster, you really should just ask Jeremy out to lunch. Even if he's not gay, you might have a nice lunch. Straight guys don't bite, after all. (I realize that may be a shortcoming where you're concerned, but if it's that big of a deal, I'll bite you*) But I'm in a good mood today, so I'm going to give you a pass and wish you all the best in your (somewhat apathetic) pursuit of Jeremy because you didn't ask him "do we play for the same team?" "Hopefully, you are gay?" is a pretty good way to put it. In fact, if you're brave enough, you can say that to anyone, and when they give you a weird look, you can say, "Oh, well, I just meant that if you were, you'd have more and better sex and make terrific clothing choices!"

You might want to avoid that last approach in the deep south, however.

*Please, please, please don't think that I'm lame enough to expect anyone to read this blog and to want me to bite or otherwise pleasure them because of it. It was a rhetorical flourish, ok?

1 comment:

copperred said...

St. Matthew's is probably the gayest church in town, and from what I hear the amount of cruising that goes on there makes Dupont Circle's fountain seem like chastity incarnate.