Tuesday, April 21, 2015


So there was this guy I hooked up with.  It was a while ago, like late Summer of 2013, and it was a great romp; he was a half-sub bottom with a great body and great lips, and I had him tied to the bed (he hadn't done that before) and on his stomach, with me grabbing him by the hair and plowing him from behind until I shot a load in him.  Then I untied him, and we lay there for a good while, talking, discovering that we had a lot in common.  Roughly the same age, same politics, same religion.  Both divorced, and he had a daughter the same age as my older daughter.  It was an easy conversation, and we agreed that we should get together again sometime soon.

And then we didn't because stuff.

Ok, more expositorily, I tried a few times to hook up with him again, and he wasn't available, and then when he was finally going to be available, a relative died, and then he stopped answering my text messages.  So I forgot about him for a year.  Then I heard from him again, and the same thing happened, except this time, his employer relocated him to New Jersey.

Anyway, this past December, I heard from him again, and I rolled my eyes a little bit because again?  But it was after midnight when he messaged me, and he wanted me to come over to his place and fuck him, so I did, and it was great again, and we got to talking, and he wanted to go on a date with me, and I wanted to go on a date with him, so we decided to go on a date together (we are nothing if not logical).

Somewhere about two or three months after that, he told me that he loved me, and I responded by giving up fucking other guys.  I may also have responded by telling him that I love him -- after all, I do -- but somehow that seems less noteworthy.  After all, I've been in love a number of times before, but this is the first time (excepting, of course, my marriage, but exclusivity is pretty much the norm for breeder couples) that I've ever offered to not have sex with other guys.

And it was something I offered.  Spleenless (my guy) was pretty careful, at least in the beginning, to say that he wasn't asking me to give up other men.  I wasn't quite so generous with him, but that was because -- after starting off with two very widely spaced hook-ups before we even had a date -- we were hardly having any sex, and he was the limiting factor.  My (reasonable, I think) position had been that if I was ready to have sex at any time (which is pretty much always the case) and he was ready to have sex every fourth Tuesday (possibly an exaggeration), then he should really only be having sex with me. 

In any case, Spleenless historically had a very high libido and suddenly found himself without much of one, and I intuited that having me to himself might make him feel more comfortable and, well, hornier.  On the one hand, this seemed like a whole lot of effort to me; on the other hand, men who are in love are typically willing to expend some effort. 

My strategy appears to have worked.  After a couple of months of low activity, things began to pick up, and then when tax season ended (hooray), we went for a long weekend to Rehoboth, and there was a good quantity of sex, interspersed with lots of long walks with my dog (who is very fond of him) and a bunch of hanging out with some friends. 

Anyway, this whole being-in-love thing is pretty rad, and while we are affectionate in public, we are downright sickening when we're alone, and we are both totally ok with that.  I am historically reserved about such things, but I am confident that this relationship has legs.  We are ridiculously well suited to and good for each other. 

Still, the exclusivity thing is weird and not entirely comfortable for me.  Some part of that, obviously, is that there are now things that I don't get to do.  Spleenless has pretty broad tastes and is in no way vanilla; still, there are things that I have enjoyed doing to people that he isn't into and that I don't particularly want to do to someone I want to wake up next to on a regular -- and, eventually, everyday -- basis.

But the bigger problem is how much I have had to say no to other people.  I was always aware that I was a pretty big slut (yay!), but I hadn't realized how many guys were involved.  And how hard they are to say no to, even when they aren't trying to make it hard (most of the guys are very gracious about it; many express regret, but they almost all congratulate me).  I really don't like telling people no in general, and I don't like saying no to sex in particular, but I've had to say it a lot in the last few weeks.

(Not saying no really isn't an option.  It's become clear that Spleenless really wants me to himself and would be hurt if I strayed.  I would do a lot to avoid hurting him.  Also, I'm a horrible liar in general, and I would be even worse at it with him, so if I fuck around, I'm going to get busted, probably by myself.)

The refuseniks typically fall into three categories.  There are a few guys that I have told no with not inconsiderable pleasure.  These are mostly guys who either aren't very good at sex or are unpleasant people who I had nonetheless fucked in the past either because I didn't know better or because I'd forgotten who they were and that I hadn't enjoyed them earlier. 

Most of the guys fall into a middle category of people who I'd happily fuck again but don't really mind giving up and saying no to. 

But then there are the guys with whom I was friendly, if only on a very limited basis.  These tend to be guys who are great in bed and who actually conversed with me for more than a couple of minutes after I'd finished fucking them.  Even though I have warm feelings towards these guys, it's clear that the friendliness is predicated on sex: without it, we have no reason to get together.  I am most of the way through this last category (I think: it keeps turning out that I've forgotten someone.  My memory is not what it once was, and there are a lot of guys to remember.) but there are still a couple of people that I know I'm going to have to disappoint.

It's hardest for me when the guy in question is a bit of a hard-luck case.  The married guys who don't have any other sexual outlet.  The guys who have partners who no longer want to have sex with them.  There's one guy in particular who I'm dreading having the conversation with.  He's super fit, good looking, and great in bed.  And he's had a pretty hard life, but he hasn't let it make him in any way bitter.  He works nights as an Uber driver, and he spends his days looking after his elderly mother, but when I talk with him he's always cheerful, and we always have a great time together.  I'm pretty sure that he'll respond graciously when I tell him the new situation, but damn I hate to disappoint somebody like that. 

But I don't love that guy, and I do love my guy, so I'll do what I need to do.  And maybe it'll be temporary.  I don't think Spleenless and I are going to be temporary, but it is the way of gay couples to open things up after a while.  Spleenless and I have discussed the possibility of that happening at some point in the future, but right now we want to be exclusive, and on the whole, I think that rocks.


Jérôme said...

That's sounds great and so "reasonable" (harsh word, isn't it ;)?

Even if I do know that being part of a couple is far from reasonable :)


Bruce Chang said...

Oh, I know category number three all too well. I have a fuck bud that's bi, in a relationship with a girl and he's totally okay that I'm the only guy that fucks him. So I still make an effort to see him every other month or so. I really should just set him free. I think he might actually be better if weren't holding him back.

Will said...

I've kept checking here every couple of weeks or so since last summer and today not only got a reward (TED blogs again!) but the surprise of your change of status. Well, I think that's great and I wish you both the very best.

Re: monogamy, when my husband and I met in 1997 we discussed the topic and he very wisely said, "we're gay men--sex happens". And so it did, for each of us individually and also together as a couple. You two have to figure out what works for you and for him. I wish you the very best of luck!

Anonymous said...

Are things still going well with Spleenless?