Sunday, June 14, 2009

Petty Annoyances

I'd placed an ad on craigslist on Saturday, when it looked like Logan might not be able to make it. As it happened, he did, but I figured it couldn't hurt to make one or two or five new friends, so I left the ad up. I got the latest response to it on Sunday morning. The first email was sent at 8:40 am, but I didn't get it until after I returned from church.
Hello good lookin

I am a white male 51 5' 10" 185 that would love to suck you off I would also let you have intercourse with me I love the picture I am in [other town]
try me


I implore you to forgive the incomplete sentences in my reply. I had just returned home, and I had barely had time to use the bathroom when I saw the email, and the guest I was expecting was on his way up the driveway even as I typed this missive, at 11:38 am.

Free this afternoon? After 1? I'm going to be offline until after 12:30, but I can reply then.

I saw my guest to the door just before his 12:30 deadline, at which point I found the following response, which covered much of the same ground. It had been sent at 11:59 am.

Hello Good Lookin,

I am Free for you and more than willing to service you after 1:00 today I love to suck dick I also hope you want to have intercourse with me as I am willing but again I love a dick in my mouth let me know


His picture made my motor run, so I replied, at 12:29.
That would be great. I just need to be finished by around 3. I live on [street name, without house number] in [my town]. My number is [cell number].

At this point, I really needed to start chopping the ingredients for the chicken salad that I was making for the choir picnic, so when I didn't get an immediate response, I figured he was the sort of flake who goes away when you make him call you. So I started chopping. But then, at 12:55:
I do not know where [street name] is But I will come
I will call for directions if I get lost or I am late I am on my way after I shower You be showered too

I had, in order to be a good host, showered with my friend from 11:30 before sending him on his way, so I was good on that front. So my response, sent at 1:04 was brief:
Excellent. You kiss, right?

I returned to my chopping. Word came back at 1:07.
YES I Kiss You are gonna fuck me Right?

At 1:12, I was briefer still:

Much additional chopping, and the making of a seasoned mayonnaise, ensued. I did not hear back again until 1:41.

I am showered I am on my way I prefer not to have to call what is your street address I am on my way

At this point, I was beginning to lose both time and patience. Granted that I don't practice the extensive anal hygiene of most bottoms, I just didn't see why a shower and a quick internal cleansing needed to take such a long time. And I had a deadline. And there was no way I was giving him my street address. So at 1:43, I shot back:

I don't like to play with anyone I haven't spoken to on the phone first. Call for the street number. Also, remember that I said I need to be done by 3.

Nine minutes later (1:52):
I am on my way I will calll you when I am in your neigorborrhood

I was too busy trying to rescue the mayonnaise and balance the flavors in the salad to give much thought to how I was supposed to make out with, get sucked by, and then fuck a guy in what would likely be less than thirty minutes. I mean, I've done it before, and sometimes it's been great, but it's not my chosen modus operandi. Anyway, he called me, from near the neighborhood Popeye's, at 2:33. I gave him directions, and the house number, and told him we would need to hurry. He said he would see me in a few minutes. I finished my chicken salad, and at 3:15, I packed it up and left for the picnic. When I got home, I had another email:
I am so sorry as I could not find your house by 3:00 I just gave up as our time ran out I do wish to retry with a little better directions and more time to please you John

There are a few points to note.
  1. He's probably telling the truth. It occurred to fifteen minutes after he called me that I hadn't asked which way he was heading on the main road. And I may have said left when I meant right. But by the time I realized that, it was 2:45, so there was no point in calling him.
  2. This is the sort of thing that drives other guys nuts about the Internet in general and about craigslist in particular.
  3. It is really hard to get annoyed about this sort of thing when you're already exhausted from having fully awesome sex with several different men over the course of the weekend.
  4. The guy's still an idiot.

As for the rest of the weekend, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put that in two or more other posts. I haven't had a weekend like that in a while, so I really need to milk it.


Tork said...

This would make a great commercial for GPS devices. Tag line: GPS. Don't leave home without it.

j said...

i am further weirded out that he kept referring to you as "good lookin" and using the word "intercourse"

maybe i'm too picky...