Why We Really Need Term Limits

I, for one, don't understand much of the uproar concerning the Larry Craig incident. After all, what does "public service" mean if it doesn't mean "giving a blowjob in the airport restroom"? Besides, at this point, don't we pretty much expect all Republican elected officials to be closeted cocksuckers? Seriously, would you be all that surprised if you found out that the real reason Dubya was upset about the resignation of his attorney general is that Gonzales gives much better head than the rest of the cabinet? I'll allow you a moment to clear that rather unpleasant mental picture out of your head.

The Craig incident highlights a number of important issues, none of which are what he was really doing in that men's room (after all, we all know what he was doing in that men's room).

1. Our elected officials need sabbaticals. After four terms in the House of Representatives or two terms in the Senate, you ought to be sent out to toil among the real people. Senators are far too insulated from the real world to effectively represent their constituents. How else is it possible, in 2007, for a guy who spends most of his time in the capital of the free world not to know about sex on the Internet? I mean, he's got a private office where he can guarantee that he won't be disturbed, and if that's busy (you know, like if trick #1 is still recovering from the awesome Craig head or is still vomiting while trick #2 is coming up in the elevator), I hear that the washrooms in the Senate are much nicer than those at the Minneapolis airport. No plain clothes police officers, either.

2. Public sex is so 1973. What we need is more semi-public sex. Bookstores, sex clubs, darkrooms, etc. If you're going to be waving your cock around in front of other people, make sure they're the sort of people who enjoy seeing a cock waved around. I'm probably too frightened to engage even in semi-public sex, but I might watch, and a lot of people are willing and eager to engage. Somebody ought to step forward and provide comfortable and hygienic venues. This is an area where I favor a free market solution. A necessary corollary is that the rest of society needs to get over itself and not attempt to legislate prudishness. I favor getting rid of the current second amendment and replacing it with something about not infringing upon the privacy rights of consenting adults. The exact wording is left as an exercise to the reader.

3. Exact wording matters. This douchebag got in front of the microphones and cameras to say "I am not gay. I never have been gay." Deep, deep sigh. Surely the question is not whether you're gay; it's whether you were giving and/or getting blowjobs in public washrooms. I'm perfectly willing not to call you gay. I call myself gay, and I would prefer that there be as few words as possible that apply to both of us. Of course, the more disturbing implication of what he said is that he believes that his constituents are more comfortable with the idea of him receiving head in a men's room than they are with having a gay Senator.

I expect that where this whole affair goes next is through the well-traveled terrain of counseling, rehab, tearful interviews, and deciding not to run for re-election so that he can spend more time with his family. Then he'll get divorced, find a high-paying lobbying job, and become a fixture on Manhunt and at Windows. If you see him there, let him buy you a drink and then laugh at him. He's probably compensating for a small endowment, and it's a safe bet that he sucks cock about as well as he uses the Internet. In the end, he'll have a houseboy and some sort of addiction, and his memoirs will be remaindered. His kids won't talk to him, but he'll say that he's never been happier.