Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Eclectic, Animated

Currently at number four on my list of gripes with the English language is the shortage of synonyms for "miscellany." I'm not greedy: I only want fifty or so. I note that a lot of bloggers put their catch-all posts on a particular day of the week and use the same (often, but by no means always, alliterative) title. This is yet another of the many standard blogging conventions that I have resisted even though I don't have any problem with it. It's partly, I suppose, that I never know when the miscellany will strike, but it's mostly a simple lack of organizational skills.

EFU is home from college for the summer. The first time I saw her was when I picked her up from work Monday night. She'll be spending the fall semester in Guadalajara to develop fluency in Spanish, and on the drive home Monday, I asked her whether she'd be rooming with her current roommate again when she went back to Marlboro in the winter. (She gets along extremely well with her current roommate, who is coming down for a visit in a couple of weeks.) EFU told me that she'd decided to save money that semester by being homeless. She'll sleep in the library, shower in the gym, store clothes and some possessions in a friend's (or some friends') room (or rooms), and get her food from town.

As you might imagine, I was not tremendously impressed with this plan, but she had answers for all my objections. She'll still have a mailbox there, and if she doesn't, I can send things to her current roommate. She still has to pay for the campus healthcare plan, so if she gets sick, she can still get treatment. It helps that the campus is small and insular. Her friends will be mostly a short walk away, and she doesn't have to worry a lot about security or an inhospitable administration. It's the sort of plan that wouldn't work at, say, Columbia (But who knows: it was rumored that some of the people in the Student Center Library at MIT were in effect living there back when I attended. Of course, those people didn't seem to worry too much about finding a place to shower.), but I suppose that at Marlboro, she's as safe from passing bears or moose in the library as she would be in the dorm. Anyway, she says it'll be an exercise in minimalism. She also says that when I drive her to or from school, packing will be a lot easier. I remain skeptical, but EFU is the sort of person who comes up with a plan and then sticks to it and makes it work.

I am getting closer and closer to my goal of making sex and ejaculation independent activities. These days, my definition of sex includes that it's something I do with another person. But I sometimes think of ejaculation as the ultimate act of self-absorption. Everything leading up to the cum shot is (or should be) something that expands your connection with the universe as well as with that dude you're plowing. But the cumshot, even if it's triggered by the contractions in the ass of that dude you're plowing as he loses his own load, is something that necessarily focuses attention inwards. (Maybe I'm wrong about that: maybe other guys feel the connection most right as they cum, but I don't think so. If that were the case, post-coital depression wouldn't be such a common phenomenon.)

I doubt I'll ever reach my ideal. Too many of the guys I play with don't feel like the act is complete if I don't shoot. That's because they see sex not as a collection of delicious sensations so much as a narrative with a predetermined dénouement. The narrative impulse is likely fundamental to humanness: it's why we take a bunch of scattered neuronic impulses and turn it into a dream with a story line. But I believe the tyranny of the narrative ultimately reduces our sexual pleasure.

I will sometimes fake an orgasm, which I've found to be a lot easier than I ever expected it could be. A guy who's all worked up and perhaps about to unload himself (and I freely admit some hypocrisy here because I'm very gratified when I make another guy cum) has typically suspended much of his critical thinking, so it's harder for him to detect that I haven't really cum. More to the point, no one expects a guy to fake ejaculation, so no one's looking for it. Besides, a lot of guys have very miserly semen production when they do cum, so unless I'm playing with someone who knows me pretty well, he'll just assume that's why. It's tougher with guys who've played with me before and have seen my typical volume and distance, but with those guys.

And, let's face it, the volume and distance are increased by the excitement of sex. So maybe a decent compromise is to have a lengthy session until the other guy cums and then let him watch me finish myself off. That does seem to happen a lot.

Recently, I have begun, tentatively, to embrace some aspects of sexual expression that I had avoided for a while, and I think I'm doing that because of my desire to separate sex and ejaculation. Back when I was still married, but had finally figured out/admitted to myself that I'm gay, my first sex was cybersex and then phonesex. After I got into real, in-person man-to-man play, though, I thought of these as poor substitutes. And that's certainly true in some ways. The sensation of cybersex is never going to compare with a skilled cocksucker on his knees devouring your penis. And phone sex can be tedious, in part because a lot of the guys who want to do it will cum in forty-five seconds and then hang up. Or they'll want to be at it for twenty minutes and you'll have cum ten minutes earlier and have to struggle to maintain wakefulness (maintaining interest being a clear impossibility).

If you're not looking to shoot, though, you can sit at the keyboard and type with both hands and get sort of moderately worked up. A lengthy session of low-level arousal is a very fun thing, and if, say, your partner is home, it's very practical because a) you can't easily have in-person relations with another guy, and b) when you're done playing around on the computer, you can take your workedupedness upstairs to your partner. Or home to your partner. I'll have to admit here that during very slow periods, I may have done some cyber for a while. I have my own office, so it's not a big deal, though when I've de-wooded and then gone to the men's room, I'll often find some precum in my briefs. I suppose if you're a heavy leaker, you'd need some additional protection.

Anyway, here's a transcript from a recent session. It's not especially erotic (the real problem with cyber is that it's not easy to find people who are good at it, but if you find someone who's willing to give the occasional comment but otherwise stroke himself off while you talk dirty to him, it's a fund creative endeavor), but it was amusing for a while.

sven01: hi
sven01: how are you
TED: Hello. I'm good. You?
sven01: ok
sven01: off today
sven01: so bored at home
TED: Maybe you should teach yourself to juggle.
sven01: HAHAHAH
sven01: juggle what? ;)
TED: Anything you can find.
sven01: haha
sven01: what are you up to
TED: Maybe when you drop one of the balls and bend over to pick it up, I'll say hello.
sven01: hahaha
sven01: or maybe i could juggle some other balls ;)
TED: I'm sure you're very talented.
sven01: hahaha
sven01: yeah, i think i am in that field
TED: The talented-when-bent-over field?
sven01: hahaha
sven01: that too
TED: That's a good skill to have.
sven01: yeah?
sven01: why so?
TED: It makes it so much better when I slide my cock up your ass.

sven01: hah good
TED: Unless you don't like cock.
sven01: let me think about it...
sven01: i'm pretty sure i do, actually :)
TED: I like ass. A lot.
sven01: oh yeah?
TED: Yes. I would eat ass all day, but there are so many other parts to play with.
sven01: what else do you like?
TED: I like making out.
TED: I like playing with a guy's nips as intensely as he can stand.
TED: I like a guy who'll go down on me while I shove my tongue up his ass.
TED: I like the wilder side.
sven01: omg i like getting my ass eatedn more than ANYTHING else
TED: Guys always say that, and then I'm eating their ass for only like 45 minutes, and they're begging me to fuck them. No patience at all.
sven01: more than anything
sven01: oh i have patience!
sven01: i had a guy who would eat me for over an hour and a half
TED: Nice.
sven01: and i'd go down on you! you're hot
sven01: but you know that
TED: Thanks.
TED: Can you manage to keep sucking with my tongue working your ass?
sven01: there'd be a lot of moaning
TED: I appreciate noise.
sven01: i only don't like a finger up my ass
sven01: tongue... cock... no problem
TED: Interesting. Perhaps your playmates hadn't cut their fingernails
sven01: yeah
sven01: omg... i wanna get my ass eaten so badly

TED: I find that with nails cut off and very smooth, putting two fingers up a guy's ass allows me to work both sides of his prostate at the same time. But I always eat first.
sven01: yeah you see... but not many guys know that
sven01: or know how to do that
sven01: or find a prostate
TED: I am well versed in the ways of the ass.
sven01: but seems like you're a pro!
TED: The prostate is really not that hard to find.
sven01: i know!!
sven01: especially when horny
TED: Indeed.
TED: Do you precum much?
sven01: depends how horny i am
TED: How horny are you?
sven01: hahaha now after this talk, pretty
sven01: what's your email?
sven01: sent you something
TED: Flowers? Chocolate?
sven01: check it out
sven01: let me know what you would do with it
TED: Oh, nice ass.
sven01: thanks
TED: That could be lunch and dinner.
sven01: hehehe
sven01: and desert

Of course, there's no future with a guy who doesn't know the difference between "desert" and "dessert," so I had to bring that conversation to an abrupt close, but those are the breaks.


Will said...

You and I unquestionably share the same perspective on sex as a buffet of sensual delights rather than a mad dash to the climax, but I find that climax to be the ultimate communication between men. I think it has to do with my lengthy involvement with gay spirituality; I find ejaculation and semen to be the culmination not just of sexual stimulation, but of a ritual between men celebration their maleness and sexuality.

For what it's worth, that take on sex has left me permanently devloid of any trace of post-coital depression. Sex sets me up and energizes me.

franck said...


Funny thing though, I'm like Sven in that I, too, like tongues and cocks up my ass, but not fingers. But I take your point on technique.

John said...

Hmmmm, maybe it's just insecurity on my part, but if I'm having sex with a partner and he doesn't cum, I feel disappointed and vaguely inadequate. And I don't think having him tell me he'd just prefer to save it until he gets home alone would make me feel much better. But hey, that's me, and you feel what you feel, so I don't actually think you're inviting us all to vote on this. Here's hoping you achieve whatever works best for you.

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Will: I don't get post-coital depression, either, but I can't help noticing that many, though not all, of the guys that I play with do.

In any case, I find the notion of a gay spirituality that affirms the power of semen and ejaculation to be very intriguing, though it also makes me think that the idea of eight guys in a circle around some sort of totem all trying to ejaculate simultaneously so they could open some sort of interdimensional portal would make for a hell of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Especially if Xander and Giles had to participate.

franck: it's all about the technique. I haven't given many massages of late, but one of my favorite parts was always the prostate massage, and that always involved a finger or two manipulating the prostate in interesting ways. The setting, of course, is much different (usually) than as a prelude to fucking, and that may help make the fingering more of a massage and less like poking.

John: I absolutely know what you mean, and a) I sometimes feel inadequate if the other guy doesn't cum and b) I wouldn't tell anyone that I prefer to save it until I'm home alone because that would just be rude. I have, on occasion, told guys that I wasn't going to cum because I was going to save all the sexual energy and use it on my partner. Guys mostly seem to take that very well: it's kind of like they're involved in a threeway by proxy.

I do my best to give a guy a load if it's really important to him, or at least to convince him that my non-ejaculation is not an indication of any inadequacy on his part. My experience is somewhat informed by the simple fact that ejaculation is often a real effort for me if the other guy is trying to bring me off. And it really doesn't matter much how attractive or skilled he is: it just seems to be physiology.

tornwordo said...

I never could see the point of phone sex and my icu2 days lasted, well, days. Watching someone drink a glass of orange juice and actually drinking a glass of orange juice are two very different things. I need to fondle the goods.