Thursday, May 29, 2008

Missed Again


I need to do another post about the missed connections, or at least about craigslist, so I can relate the following anecdote. While at brunch last Sunday, my buddy George (he of the two and sometimes three boyfriends) related that his first bf, who was also at the table, had started doing some part-time consulting work to help pay for the mortgage, etc. on the new townhouse that they have bought together (and will likely have to sell together after they try to lay hardwood floors themselves, but that's just me being cynical). Ethan (#1 bf) said that he'd gotten work by advertising in craigslist.

But there's a twist: he doesn't advertise in the services section because, apparently, no one uses that section. Instead, he advertises his computer services in the m4m personals. Brilliant! Apparently, it's working. He's getting a fair amount of business all around southern NJ. Of course, occasionally someone tries to pay him with a massage rather than in cash, but Ethan remains firm (so to speak) in such circumstances. Or at least, that's the story he tells George and the rest of us. I did notice that his shoulders seemed unusually relaxed on Sunday.


Sadly, the missed connections section remains a wasteland of losers afraid to speak their minds, which means that I'm having to resort to, well, creative interpretations of the ads. Consider this posting from Wednesday:

Because you're my person - m4m - 46 (on the hill)

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Reply to: pers-699050483@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-28, 9:47PM EDT

you, my love, my one, my only. How was I to know that I would grow to love you more each day, so much that it's hard to know where I stop and you being? I only hope that I am always able to show you, that you are always able to know, to see and to feel the love that we share. Love, honesty, communication, and respect. It' you, today, tomorrow, and always. You're the one, my only one, my love.

Location: on the hill



It's a bit on the vague side, n'est-ce pas? At first blush, it might look like one of those declare-your-love ads that you sometimes see on Valentine's Day, and if that's the case, then a) Dude, check your calendar, and b) Dude, don't be so cheap. But I don't think it's that. The vagueness here suggests someone who doesn't want to make himself known to the public. If you add in the location, Capitol Hill, the answer is clear: elected official.

And then it's just a matter of elimination. There are 435 voting members of the House of Representatives, and nobody gives a fuck what any of them do because, well, nobody knows who they are, really. I mean, do you know who your Representative is? (If questioned, I would have to admit that I do know who mine is, but you wouldn't be so crass as to question me, would you? I didn't think so.) In other words, our poster is a United States Senator, and given that information, identification is pretty easy.

There's only one forty-six-year-old Senator, and that's the likely next President of the U.S., but I think we can rule him out for two obvious reasons. First, do you know anyone more obviously straight than Senator Obama? Second, and more important, no one over 35 gives his true age on craigslist.


So now we have it down to U.S. Senators who are older than 46 but younger than, say, 50. There are six people who meet those criteria:

Maria Cantwell (D-WA)
Bob Casey, Jr. (D-PA)
Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
Blanche Lincoln (D-AR)
John Thune (R-SD)
David Vitter (R-LA)

Three of those Senators are women, so they're off the list. Bob Casey is a Democrat, and, well, Dems only get involved in sex scandals with women.

So, through a rigorous process of elimination with unassailable logical underpinnings, we are left with the inescapable conclusion that our poster is either


or



Frankly, it's a tough choice. In either case, if you take away the suits and superior expressions and put them into chinos and guilty countenances, they look a lot like the married guys who answer my craigslist ads. We're accustomed to thinking about Vitter as the sort of guy who likes female prostitutes and diapers, but there's no reason to think he wouldn't go for guys and diapers instead. And I don't know that much about Thune, but his dopey grin and Christian conservative credentials make it pretty easy to picture him working the South Dakota glory hole circuit.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter which of the two it is. Given how much they have in common, after all, it's pretty "hard to know where [Larry] stop[s] and [John] being[s] [sic]." That's right readers, whichever of the two posted this mc clearly intended it for the other. It's charming, if you think about it: love in the ruins (of the Republican party). It's easy to picture John following Larry back to his office after a long night of hard legislating. They shut the door; Larry arches an eyebrow; John smiles, opens his briefcase, and pulls out the Huggies; and, well, let's just leave it there, shall we?


I also found this ad, and I think it's cute.

X2---Me: in Sarong, You: DC Public Librarian - m4m - 25 (H St. NE)

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Reply to: pers-698822807@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-28, 6:38PM EDT

We were riding the X2 together at about 6:30 pm on the 28th. You asked me a question, I told you about the Indian store on Wisconsin Avenue. If you're gay, I'm interested; if you're straight, my roommate is. Tell me how you started the conversation & I'll know it is you.

Location: H St. NE


That add has everything. A man in a sarong. A bus ride. And, most importantly, breeders and gays working together to meet their sexual needs! Let that be a lesson to you: the roommates who prey together, stay together.

3 comments:

Paul said...

menatplay -- it just doesn't get any better than that. Really!

Jason said...

I don't know. I kind of felt the two public servants would more likely fall hard for cheesey erotic scenarios involving sexy vixen/femme fatales, with the possible tranny twist....

Will said...

You've got guys in sarongs riding around on public transportation down there? I may check out the housing market around the beltway.