Somehow, I Always Thought Armageddon Would Be More Entertaining

This weekend, my Republican host, who also happens to be a stock broker, spent a lot of time nervously running over his clients' portfolios and checking the news and stock futures. He kept saying that if Congress didn't do something, we'd all be in big trouble. B&c replied that he didn't think it was that big a deal if there was some sort of crash, causing me to retort, "Well, sure. You've got a defined benefit retirement plan. The rest of us poor schmucks have to work for a living."


I have to say that I find 700777-point drops in the Dow rather troubling, but my sense of anxiety could just as easily be attributable to my job and/or the upset stomach that likely stems from some antibiotics I'm taking. (For something, alas, that I did not catch from someone else, let alone in the sort of entertainingly scandalous way that I know you all thought of immediately you read "antibiotics." I would tell you all to get your minds out of the gutter, but an afternoon when the Dow is off by sixseven percent is no time to abandon the simple and inexpensive pleasure of a guttered mind.)


I'm not sure how one prepares for a financial collapse. I suppose I should be memorizing the lyrics to "Brother Can You Spare a Dime" before the Internet disappears, and possibly laying in canned goods. Or at least either of those activities would be more productive than watching my retirement accounts dwindle, but sometimes it's easier to wallow than to act. That appears to be what the Congressional Republicans think, anyway.


Speaking of anyway, at times like this, it's helpful to remember all the things we have to be thankful for. Right now, I'm especially thankful that I'm so adept at cooking with lentils. Cheap vegetable sources of protein will soon be the new black. My current stockpile of cuminseed should prove a valuable asset, as well.


I'm also grateful for free Internet pornography. When the Internet disappears, I'll be sad to see that go, but at least if the coming period of hyperinflation reduces the value of my 401(k) to approximately the cost of admission to the video booths at an adult bookstore, I'll have my extensive DVD collection to fall back on. Provided that we still have electricity, of course.


Anyway, while even pictures of attractive men kissing may not be enough to silence the current anxiety, I have to figure that any minute you spend looking at male-to-male osculation is better than a minute you don't. So enjoy while you still can.

And learn to embrace the lentil.