Greetings, readers. I hope the day finds you well.
I suspect that most of you will be surprised, some of you greatly, by what I'm about to say. Others of you may have trouble "believing," or at least accepting, it, but I know that a few of you will have had some inkling of how I've been "struggling" right up until this very day.
The long and short of it is this: I have decided to abandon most of my former professional and personal pursuits in favor of a "simpler" and more abstemious life.
The Neighbors Will Hear has been a fairly accurate -- sometimes too accurate -- portrayal of my embrace of hedonism. I have taken great joy in describing the actions and sensations associated with the feel of a full pair of lips upon my own. I have reveled in describing the way a man's flesh yields to me and the way he is driven into the realm of ecstasis when my teeth close upon his nipples. I have, sometimes breathlessly, described spreading the ripe ass cheeks of a heavenly bottom and then penetrating it with my eager tongue and my equally eager cock.
But I'm afraid all of this has been "empty." I have increasingly, most especially over the last few months, come to see that my sexual pursuits, as well as my gradual accumulation of "modest" (by American standards) wealth have been little more than a way to mask the growing spiritual void in my "soul."
I was driving home last night, after a long long day at the office, and I happened, apparently (but, not, I think, truly!) by chance, to touch the seek button on my car stereo. And, as if by a miracle, the stereo alit on a "gospel" station that was playing a song that I knew well from my youth:
Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling—
Calling for you and for me;
Patiently Jesus is waiting and watching—
Watching for you and for me!
And my first inclination was to smile and sing along, but for some reason that I cannot name, I began to weep. Softly at first, but then with great force and resonance as if all the sorrow in the world were pouring out of me. And just then the music stopped, and the station went dead. I came to a stop light, and there were no other cars around, and I said, aloud, "I need a sign." And just then, the stereo started again:
Come home! come home!
Ye who are weary, come home!
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home!
Okay, so it wasn't exactly the parting of the Red Sea, but it was enough.
I turned the car around, came back to the office, packed up my photographs and other personal belongings, wiped the "smutty" pictures off my hard drive, and sent an email of resignation to the managing partner. I imagine the partners will not be happy about the timing, but when Saul was on the road to Damascus, I'm sure he didn't give two weeks' notice.
Then I came home and I had a rather difficult conversation with b&c, who, after some time, finally acknowledged that he had felt like my "heart" wasn't in the relationship recently.
My exact path from here is not clear. I have long since abandoned the faith of my upbringing, and I can't exactly go all the way back to being a Southern Baptist. I do not, in fact, have a very strong or specific faith, but I have to believe that "God will provide." By that I mean that if I set out on an unknown road, He (She, It) will lead me to where I ought to be. It seems most sensible for me to explore some aspects of Christianity since that is what I am most familiar with.
I have, of course, "responsibilities" with respect to my children, most notably YFU, who is still only thirteen. I will have to work out the details with her mother, but she is very self-sufficient, and if the twitch upon the thread that appears to be bringing me back to theism pulls me away from the immediate area, I expect that she will understand, provided that I maintain contact. I have amassed enough savings to give EFU the support that I promised her during her college years and to support me for a time. I can live very cheaply otherwise, and b&c seems amenable to having me around for a few weeks or a month while I figure out the next steps. He will be traveling a good deal in the coming months, so I may stay around as a house sitter until late spring or early summer. After that, I'm not sure, but I believe that the best path is the one that most exercises my "faith," so I intend to seek out monastic and semi-monastic communities until I find one that suits and will accept me. I hope that my "faith" will continue to grow through interaction with holy men of greater belief than I presently have.
I have to say that there's a certain amount of euphoria carrying me right now, but I suspect that the full realization of giving up a career and the pleasures of the flesh will hit me soon enough. But I have my books, and my poetry to protect me. I am shielded in my armor.
Clearly, there is nothing to be gained and a great deal to be lost by continuing to "write" The Neighbors Will Hear. It remains only for me to thank you for your attention, your e-mails, and your comments. The path I am choosing is for me alone, and I imply no judgment about the path you have chosen or will choose. I am not sure that it is worth much, but for what it is worth, you will all remain in my prayers.
Finally, I have left you a few more images that I have found "inspiring," with the profound hope that by studying them intently, you will find equal and similar inspiration. Peace be unto you.