Friday, September 7, 2007


I'm pretty sure these are lava lamps.
Last night was my first chance in a while (okay, since last weekend) to have some fun on the side, and I got stood up. I'd put an ad on CL, and I'd screened the responses (even if you're asking for something pretty specific and kind of, well, kinky, and even if you're asking for 10 pm or later on a Wednesday night, and even if you live pretty far out in the 'burbs, you can count on a healthy response if you don't forget to mention that you're a top) and settled on one that seemed solid. But I was wrong.

Getting stood up happens, of course. I have pretty good bullshit detectors, so I usually know when the probability of the guy making it to the door is low enough that I should schedule a back-up fuck. Naturally, you want to avoid having two guys show up, but when you're cruising for a submissive, a second guy is not a disaster the way it is, say, on a date. You can tie one guy to the bed and fuck him while the other guy kneels next to the bed and watches. You'll need a set of handcuffs for the kneeler, of course, but who doesn't have handcuffs? And it's a lot easier to pull the scene off if you stagger the arrival times so that bedguy is fully restrained before kneeler shows up: it's so unpleasant when subs get into a catfight over who gets to wear the restraints.

Anyway, none of that happened last night. And since YFU will be over all weekend, it'll be a while before I have another opportunity to tie a guy to the bed. Alas. In the end, I settled for some phone sex and a truly spectacular ejaculation (over my head), but it's not the same thing. When you want to fuck a sub, you want to fuck a sub. It's like if you have a craving for the really good lemon sorbet, and you go to the Giant and there's no lemon sorbet. There's some lemon Italian ice, but it's the wrong brand. And there's some pistachio sorbet, and, sure, pistachio sorbet is pretty good, but I wanted lemon, and WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MOTHERFUCKING LEMON SORBET, BITCHES? Except that in real life I'm unfailingly polite, so I don't scream in public. Some people think that unfailing politeness is inconsistent with being a dom, but it's not. What could possibly further the cause of politeness more than giving a cherry red ass to a submissive who fails to say "please"?

Anyway, none of that happened last night, either. I did give serious consideration to the lemon sorbet, but I didn't go so far as to drive to the Giant and risk an imperceptible meltdown. So since I have no smut of my own to report (and, sadly, the chance to snap pictures of a sub with clothespins on his nipples did not arise), I'm going to discuss something written by someone else.

You can read the entry yourself, but to summarize: D-man insulted an elderly gentleman in a house of worship.

I kid, I kid. In the course of a conversation with an elderly gentleman, D-man happened to mention that he was a butt pirate, and the elderly gentleman, in response, happened to mention that he was in the possession of over 100 dildos. Probably used. The elderly gentleman then offered the dildos to D-man, in an attempt to avoid waste and, I infer, as a means of passing the torch of butt piracy from one generation to the next. (Actually, given the difference in ages, there may have been a generation skip involved, which means that somewhere there's a sixty year old butt pirate who didn't get his chance at those dildos.) Instead of accepting his birthright, however, D-man (who, oddly, was so appalled that he had to fight the urge to kermit from the room) declined, leaving the elderly gentleman to wonder whether and where he might find his offering accepted. One cannot help but think that his spirit must have been crushed by the refusal. I have no concrete information on the matter, but one can reasonably predict a downward spiral into depression and failing health. Oh, the humanity.

No one's ever approached me in a church basement with the offer of over 100 dildos, which, if you think about it, is downright criminal. The whole episode raises several issues in my mind.

1. Why did the guy buy over 100 dildos? Did he use them once and then set them aside, or did he keep buying new ones until he got the exact right one? And, if so, what was the exact right one? And why didn't D-man ask any of these questions? Here was a great opportunity for research into the sexual mores and practices of mid-20th century rural America. (D-man writes from the State of Craig.) Why does D-man hate science?

2. There is nothing in the world that can get on a dildo that can't be removed with the help of rubber gloves, hot soapy water, a high concentration of bleach, and some time.

3. I'd have taken the dildos, assuming they weren't all identical. Nothing gives you cred with the subs like a large array of sex toys. How can I get this guy's e-mail address?

4. If I'd taken the dildos, I'd have had to hide them. Not because b&c has anything against sex toys (He does, though: the only time I ever tried to use a dildo on him, he was all "Why do I want that thing when I've got your cock?," and he wasn't buying my explanation that there were other places for my cock to be. And the one time I tried to bring out the nipple clamps, well, you'd have thought I'd suggested a threeway with Condi Rice.), but because of space considerations. There is some friction over space in the TNWH household. We have a huge house, but there's never any room for anything. B&c has twenty suits that he never wears in our closets, but if I try to bring home a little thing like a gross of dildos, then I'm the one causing the problem.

5. All that waste really is criminal. Will no one think of the environment?

Anyway, if you're in a church basement or at a party or waiting your turn at the glory hole and someone offers you a large collection of sex toys, take them. Clean them up and give them out as favors at your next party. Or arrange them in a centerpiece: it's sure to provoke plenty of conversation. Better yet, donate them to one of your local GLBT organizations. Assuming the dildos are in "good used condition or better," (Internal Revenue Code §170(f)(16)) you can take a deduction for their fair market value, and the organization can toss them into the crowd at Pride. Which would be way better than, say, a Tootsie Roll.

Or, you know, send them to me. I'll pay shipping!

No comments: