Sunday, October 7, 2007

Hidden Agenda

I'm sure that I've written before about my fascination with monastic life. It (the fascination, that is: I'm aware of how poor my pronoun reference sometimes is, and I very much appreciate the forbearance of my readers) likely stems from my own lack of discipline and my belief that I would be more productive if I were forced to stick to a rigorous schedule. More to the point, I can't help that think that a properly directed monastery would have all of those men with all of that spare time spend somewhat less of that time meditating and more of it fucking each other's brains out. Or at least fucking each other's brains out while meditating. I'm not opposed to multi-tasking.

I have, alas, come to understand that in real monasteries, there is probably very little of the nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more going on. Real monks are likely too devout and too enamored of solitude to be sneaking into each other's cells between vespers and compline. I have, therefore, with much regret, temporarily abandoned my plan to spend the remainder of my days having hot sex in a monastery.

Still, I think monks are pretty hot. It's probably from all that hard labor and praying combined with a relatively austere diet. Or it could be that if you try to find pictures of monks these days, you mostly get pictures of hot Asian monks. If you combine my usual appreciation of Asian men with the fact that these guys have obviously learned what colors work best with their skin tones, then you can understand my continuing fantasy to, if not join them permanently, at least spend a few weeks giving them all something to confess and repent.

There are, of course, occidental monks, and many of them -- including these two fine specimens from Croatia -- are also hot enough to make one want to impersonate an incubus. I will say, however, that I'm not sure it's possible to have a close enough relationship with Jesus to make wearing socks under sandals a good idea.

As it happens, just a couple of days ago, I googled "'hot sex in a monastery'," and I got no results at all. The implications are obvious. First, the porn industry is really letting us down. Maybe someone at the Vatican (or the Dalai Lama) is pressuring them to keep quiet: I don't know.

Second, it's up to me to act. By my own principles, I can either accept this egregious omission, or I can work to fix it. Never let it be said that TED chose to curse the darkness when it was within my power to light a single candle.

And in that lighting-one-candle vein, I will say that the opportunity has never presented itself, but I am more than willing to actually have hot sex in a monastery, so if you know any monks who are looking, give them my e-mail address.

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