Hypothetically

So, being coupled isn't always the easiest thing in the world. I mean, sure, it's great financially, and it's good to have someone to do things with, and that whole being in love thing can be kind of nice, but you often have to go places and see people that you wouldn't if you were single, and you have to remember to do things like inform your partner before you disappear to Peru for a weekend of memorable high altitude sex so that he knows not to hold dinner for you, and in case he needs you to pick him up some alpaca wool while you're there. Even if you're used to dealing with the much greater demands of children, the demands of a partner (who is, after all, supposed to be an adult) can chafe a bit. (Note to self: buy baby powder.)

But there are times when it's undeniably good to have someone waiting at home. Let's say -- hypothetically -- that you're coming home from choir practice at 10 pm and -- again, hypothetically -- you've been working late all week and one of your kids has been over extra nights so that -- hypothetically -- there hasn't been any opportunity for horizontal quality time, and you're extremely horny.

If you come upstairs and see that your partner is asleep on the bed, with his clothes still on, and you disrobe and get in the shower to send the actual and metaphorical grime of the day swirling down the drain, and you towel yourself off and go back into the bedroom, and your partner is still asleep in his clothes, then you're entirely within your rights to molest him. Hypothetically. You can lie on your side, right behind him, spooning. You can run your finger from his shoulder down to where his love handles would be if he had any love handles and then run all four fingers down to his crotch. You can rub lightly across his shorts until you feel him start to swell up. You can carefully unzip his fly and reach in with a finger and rub his glans through his underwear. When he gets even bigger, you can lift the waistband and trap the head of his penis under the elastic. You can unfasten his belt and slide his shorts and underwear down to his thighs.

He will, of course, wake hypothetically up at some point. You can use this opportunity to make him fully naked from the waist down, put him on his back, and go down on him. When he starts to murmur, you can slide a hand up under his shirt and begin to work on his nipples, and when he murmurs some more, you can push his shirt up and suck on those same nipples.


If he should happen to take his shirt off at that point, you could even lie on top of him and begin making out. Hypothetically, there's a chance that his breath will taste of cigarette smoke, but there's also a chance that it won't be too bad and that you'll be more worried about the fact that he's been smoking than about the taste. You might change your mind about that after forty-five minutes of kissing (accompanied by nipple work perhaps getting up to a level six and sundry groping) especially if you notice that it's getting awfully late. If, as a result of fatigue and the hour, and wondering why the hell your partner hasn't already gone for the lube, you might lie on your back momentarily, and he might take that opportunity to shove his tongue in your ear, whereupon you might lose any remaining tether to reason.

In spite of all that, though, it is not inconceivable that a quarter hour of writhing under the influence of said tongue might leave you even more exhausted, and you might take your partner in your arms and hold him close but not do or say anything, even as you approach the outer edge of consciousness.

The thing about having a partner is that even if all that were to happen, he probably wouldn't complain at all, as long as, when you wake up five hours later with an erection that isn't going anywhere until it's choked into submission, you turn back on your side, squeeze his nipples, stroke his cock, rub your cock up against his ass until he reaches for the lube, push into him, fuck him from behind, roll him on his stomach, drive into him hard and deep, and shoot your load before you hold him for a few more minutes, jump in the shower, and start your day.

Hypothetically, I mean.