Wednesday, October 29, 2008

To His Craigslist Bottoms*

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, buttboys, were no crime.
We'd sit here each at his own screen
And grow increasingly obscene
In long descriptions of our need
And where I most want to spill seed.
For your details I'd happ'ly swap
A hundred pictures of my cock.
You'd send me IMs full of lust
And surely build both wood and trust.
My hard cucumber love should grow
Vaster than empires, though not so slow.
'Til randy fires would brightly burn,
And I would fuck you each, in turn.

But at my back I always hear
My partner's return flight hurrying near.
Demanding schedules are the ways
For all of us in modern days.
So while you send another mail
I'll find more forward boys to nail.
The virtues that you might submit
Don't matter if you can't commit.
You'll soon realize your greatest fears --
Unanswered emails, bitter tears --
Then, finally learning you've been banned,
Take matters into your own hand
(Hand's singular, for, sure, it's true
With that small dick, you won't need two.)
While other asses feel my tongue
And sit upon my cock, which, I must say, in all due modesty, is more than adequately well hung.

Now, therefore, while it's still today
Let's get this hook-up underway.
Anon thy willing ass I'll eat
Then introduce it to my meat.
You'll writhe as I ram hard your bum
Then show'r you, head to foot, with cum.
I will not rest until my goo
Sits on thy skin like morning dew.
So don't delay, but send to me
Your stats, your kinks, and when you're free.
And -- pull your head from your ass for once --
A picture in your first response.

*If the reference here isn't utterly obvious to you, I will become even more depressed about the state of public education in America. This statement doesn't, naturally, apply to my non-American readers, all of whom I adore. I adore all my American readers too, of course; I'm just not always so happy with our public education system. A lot of canonical poetry is no longer taught, and you just know that there are school districts in Oklahoma that have banned Marvell for being too bawdy. As my favorite high school English teacher was given to mutter when confronted with willful ignorance: philistines!


Jérôme said...

So can you please explain the reference to your adored - and adoring - non-american readers?
Is there any music wich can be played upon your "canonical" poetry?

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Jérôme, the poem I ripped off is Andrew Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress." It contains one of the most famous couplets in English literature:

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

The phrase "time's winged chariot" has become so common that I'm sure people use it without knowing its source. I would guess that the reference was obvious to most of my native English speaking readers, but I don't really know. I get a fair number of hits from the U.K., and it's hard for me to imagine any of those readers not knowing the poem since Marvell was English.

Anonymous said...

"Were there but world enough and time,
This hesitation, ladt were no crime"

perdoneme said...

This was cleverly impressive -- and funny. Are you between tax deadlines?

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Anon, I hate to be pedantic (and boy, howdy, is that a lie), but Marvell's first two lines are exactly the same as mine, except that I have substituted "buttboys" for "lady."

Perdoneme, thank you. I am between tax deadlines, but I still likely would not have been able to write that piece had I not been stuck in the most boring session of continuing professional education imaginable yesterday morning. I did my best to pay attention for the first hour or so, but during the break, I read the original poem then spent the last hour of the session sitting in the back scribbling couplets and lists of words that rhyme with tongue, etc. Then during lunch, I typed them all in, got rid of the worst ones, re-ordered the others, and made a couple of additions to try to work back in a bit more of the original Marvell.

All of that really didn't take all that long (as meters go, iambic tetrameter is one of the easiest in which to spit out couplets, I think), but once I published the entry, I probably edited and republished at least ten more times, for various fixes. I almost never have to do that for my normal entries. I don't know how anyone ever manages to write original poetry.

tornwordo said...

I would so come over if I read that and was looking. That last pic made stirrings. Ouch. Thanks for your nice comment today. I appreciated it.

Tork said...

Kudos to both you and Andrew Marvell. Plus you get a special award for using "Buttboys" in a blogged poem.

Jérôme said...

@TED: thank you for improving my culture! It is definetely why I like to read you so much...