As you well know, readers, I am generally not one to whinge about the hegemony of heteronormative values. I accept the fact that we live, for the most part, in a society of breeders, and I recognize that without the breeders we would soon run out of people
Anyway, where was I? Right, heteronormative hegemony (the Heteronormative Hegemonists would be a good name for a bad band). So, as you know the ball and chain (otherwise referred to in these pages as b&c, and it's an ironic nickname, ok?) is out of the country, and that means, among other things (Oh, wait, this is where you expect to hear about Tuesday night's romp with Judd, isn't it? It was an awesome romp. We played for about an hour, and I fucked him with extraordinary force and precision until he could take no more, something I never thought I'd see, and then we fell asleep for an hour, and then we smoked some weed he'd brought and canoodled for another ninety minutes, and then he left, and I tried to edge for a while, but I only managed to stay on the brink for about five minutes before I lost control and/or patience and shot. I know you want more of the pornographic details, but how many times can you read about fantastic Judd sex without getting bored?) that when I'm home at a reasonable hour (i.e., on nights when YFU is over), I have to answer the house phone. The calls are never for me, and when b&c is out of town, they're invariably solicitation calls for some charity or other.
I have some sympathy for anyone who has a job that involves calling people all day, so I try to be polite. In fact, I once had a conversation with a bill collector that went something like this:
Collector: Mr. Dude?
C: I'm calling about your credit card bill for the GAP. It's delinquent.
T: Oh crap. I forgot I got that thing, and then I only used it the once. Can I just pay you over the phone?
C: You want to pay the bill?
T: Yeah, I just forgot. I got the card to get a discount, and I'm not the most organized person in the world. You can take a payment over the phone, right?
C: Nobody ever wants to pay.
T: Well, I owe the money.
C: I've been making calls for almost eight hours, and you're the first person who's just offered to pay. Most of the people yell at me like it's my fault that they owe money.
The poor woman was nearly in tears, overwhelmed by the simple fact that somebody who owed a bill wanted to pay it. It was a little embarrassing, but I managed to get her back on track and complete my transaction. Also, that's the last time I will ever get a store credit card for the one-time discount. Are we off topic again? Yes, I believe we are.
Anyway, back to the charitable solicitation telemarketers, who, alas, aren't required to respect the do not call list. What typically annoys me most about these calls is that when I pick them up, there's a delay while they route me to a telemarketer. It's like someone calling you and putting you on hold. But usually they're too quick for me to become annoyed enough to hang up on, so the conversation goes something like this:
TED: I'm sorry, Ball's not here right now.
Solicitor: May I speak to Mrs. AndChain?
TED: There is no Mrs. AndChain. [Not entirely true: there is a Mrs. AndChain, but she's eighty-five and lives in New Jersey, and b&c likely wouldn't appreciate my referring solicitors to his mother.]
Solicitor: I'll call again later.
I guess that I'm notionally annoyed at the assumption that b&c would or should have a wife, but as long as I don't get more than two of those calls in an evening, they really don't deserve space in my brain.
Sometimes, though, the telephone solicitor's having a bad day or is just a jerk. Last night, for example, I received a call from someone with an attitude:
Solicitor: Hello, Ball?
TED: He isn't home right now?
Solicitor: Can I speak to Mrs. uh Ampers...
TED: There is no Mrs. AndChain.
Solicitor: Then how did you know what I was going to say?
TED: Because that's Ball's last name.
Solicitor: Then where is he?
TED: He's not here.
Solicitor: I'll call back later.
TED: He'll be home on Sunday, but he won't be interested in what you have to say.