Thursday, February 5, 2009


So, I saw this ad on craigslist:
sneaker and balloon fetish soúthamerican guy
Reply to: pers-[XXXXXXXXX] [?]
Date: 2009-02-02, 8:12PM EST

want to do whatever u want w me and my legs and sneakers???? while i blow up big balloons? send ph numb

Now here's the thing, readers. I understand (or at least know) that most of you wouldn't give this sort of ad a second glance. Or perhaps you'd read it and laugh and forget about it. But I couldn't resist. Especially after some searching revealed that the guy in question had posted a couple of other ads which revealed that he was a cute soccer player with nice legs. Those are his legs in the picture above and the one below. Allegedly. Anyway, taken together, the various ads suggested that this guy would be perfectly happy to be fucked while he was blowing up big, colorful balloons.

I'm all about the fetishists, even if the fetish in question is something that I find a bit perplexing. Maybe especially if the fetish in question is something that I find a bit perplexing. Balloons themselves don't excite me, at all, but they don't skeeve me out, either. And that's the other requirement: the ideal fetishist for me to get to know is somebody who's into something that's weird but not repulsive. I suppose that this would be a good place for either a Venn diagram or some sort of table, but I don't know how and can't be bothered to learn. Still, if you like, you can imagine any graphical representation of a two-by-two matrix that leads to four possibilities: weird and safe (balloons), weird and repulsive (scat, furries), common and safe (feet, probably), and common and repulsive (water sports, unless the guy's really hot). Obviously, this is one of those YMMV situations, both in what belongs in each category and in which category is most attractive. And if you're the fetishist (rather than an observer or connoisseur -- or enabler -- of fetishists), the categories don't matter because you can't help what turns you on.

Anyway, I sent the guy a response, asking where he was and whether he had balloons, and he wrote back saying he had big balloons of every color and that he was in Germantown. Germantown is a long way from the office, and it was already late, so I told him I'd try another time, and he said ok. The next night I was hooking up with the bear from my last entry, and I figured I could do that, then go north to Germantown and eat balloon boy's ass while he inflated, so I dropped him an email with my number, telling him to call either before 7 or after 8:30, and he called as I was driving over. We talked for a minute, and it became clear that he had violated one of the cardinal rules of craigslist ads: if you can't host, say you can't host. But I told him I'd be able to host next week, and he said I should keep his number and call him.

I don't expect that this guy and I will ever hook up. I figure that time and lukewarm interest will cause deflation via a slow leak before the balloon ever gets really big, but I'll follow up, and who knows? Still, even though this guy is not quite fascinating (he's cute and totally fuckable, though), I still find the fetish itself very interesting. Love the game, not the player, I reckon. So naturally, I did a little research.

Balloon fetishism seems to be largely a straight guy phenomenon. I hypothesize that this is because the big squishy balloons (it's always round balloons; you don't see many pictures of guys getting aroused by making balloon animals) somehow push the same button that a large boob pushes, but I'm obviously just guessing. What I do know is that if you search common picture sites for balloon fetishists1, you find a lot of pictures of women wearing too much makeup getting ready to pop big balloons with their very high stiletto heels. I may never recover from the sight, but I try to console myself by remembering that important research requires sacrifice. Still, my eyes! On the other hand, there do appear to be a few men, of ambiguous orientation, who very much appreciate the company of large, colorful, ovoid, inflated rubber objects.

I don't think that it's something I want to pursue very aggressively. There could be awkward questions if I'm pulling some restraints out of my toy box and a sub sees my collection of balloons. Still, I suppose it's harmless enough, and these guys must develop powerful lungs and breath control. I only hope that the balloon fetish doesn't serve as a sort of gateway drug to helium use and addiction. And crime: there's nothing sadder than a hard-up man breaking into a dollar store to get his next fix.

1By the way, another thing you'll learn if you make the big mistake of searching for balloon fetishists on popular photo sharing sites is that there is a sneaker brand called Balloons and, apparently, some people get very excited by pictures of Balloons-clad feet (attached to the jeans-clad lower legs of a person of indeterminable gender) walking in mud. My first thought was that these pictures were about as exciting as watching paint dry. My second thought was that there are probably at least a few cute guys who really get off on watching paint dry and that if I can find these people, I can probably get the house painted for the cost of supplies.

1 comment:

Will said...

Just an observation from a guy who loves soccer legs: the legs in the picture of legs only look more slender and less muscular than the legs of the guy sitting down--in fact they really don't seem muscular enough to be soccer legs at all.

But I hope he calls or emails you and you hook up. It's all too wonderfully bizarre not to give it TRY.