Readers, I am ... not happy. In fact, I am upset. I am annoyed. I am livid, irate, and pissed off. I am very, very angry.
And, you know, I've done a pretty good job of keeping it together until now. I mean, sure, New York City brought us such atrocities as the Donald Trump and off-beach flip-flops, all while its inhabitants were taking our money and acting like they were better than the rest of us, and I said nothing.
But now they've gone too far. TOO FUCKING FAR.
I was, as is my custom, browsing through the DC-area men seeking men craigslist personal ads yesterday afternoon, and I came across the following:
Opportunity to live in New York City --- - 49 (New York City)
Reply to: email@example.com [?]
Date: 2009-02-05, 6:26PM EST
I am trying to find that special person, so I decided to broaden my search, and just not limit my quest to my own home city.
I am a professional man, masculine,and I stand 5ft 8in tall, 168, brown, green, both disease and drug free. I am also a non smoker.
I reside in the heart of New York City. I enjoy, movies, theatre, sports, dinning out, wine tasting events and my two English Bulldogs. I also enjoy quiet evenings at home.
I consider myself to be an honest, caring, compassionate, sensitive, spiritual- fun loving guy... I am looking for someone who wants to be loved and love. Someone who has both ambition and goals. Someone who would love to be with an older and wiser person to help them meet their lifes ambition. I prefer a str8 acting guy someone younger then myself. I have a good sense of humor. I find it important to laugh every day. You should feel the same.
Someone without excess baggage and who is not running from the law.
If this sounds of any interest to you... drop me a line...
thanks for reading..
* Location: New York City
(I know y'all think that I make this shit up, but I am not making this shit up.)
Where to begin? I suppose that I could ridicule the idea that looking for a younger companion should be compared to a "quest." Or I could just repeat, "I reside in the heart of New York City" a few times and let the fatuity of the sentence sink in. I could poke fun at the notion that someone who lives with two English Bulldogs is searching for someone who's "str8 acting." STR8 ACTING? WTF? Or perhaps I could suggest that the guy who posted this ad knew what a douchebag he must look like for writing it and so posted it in DC rather than NYC in the hopes that no one would see it and recognize him. I mean, sure, guys who claim to still be in their late-forties and who have two English Bulldogs are probably a common site in Manhattan, but this guy probably didn't want to go the the next meeting of Desperate Aging Gay Bulldog Owners of Manhattan (DAGBOoM) and hear all the other members trying to figure out who was responsible for that ad.
But while pitying and/or ridiculing the ad's poster might be the wisest course, I'm afraid that I'm just too angry to leave it there. Enough is enough, New York. You're the greedy fools who brought us the financial crisis. Taking our money wasn't enough? Now you have to poach our hot young men, too? Have you New Yorkers no shame? Oh, don't even bother answering that. We all know you haven't.
Clearly this sort of thing needs to be nipped in the bud. Right now, the ad is an isolated incident, but how long will it be before lonely Manhattan gays are sending agents to the DC area to recruit our young men the way some Middle Eastern countries import their
I understand that New Yorkers believe that the universe revolves around them, but have you guys read the papers lately? Besides, from a lot of perspectives, DC is a pretty happening town. Why would our boys want to go shack up with some dog-loving, self-absorbed, soon-to-be-laid-off financial advisor when he could stay here and either blackmail a gay Republican Senator or shack up with a deeply closeted but deeply sexy foreign diplomat?
I'm sure there are some local young'uns who might be willing to look far afield for love, but are you sure you really want them? Wouldn't you rather have some hard working but subservient pretty boy from Mumbai or Bangkok? Here (Oh, and I'm not making this shit up, either.) is an example of the sort of DC-area youth who seeks a mate in the craigslist personals:
Where is my man - 2009 - 26 (MD)
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org [?]
Date: 2009-02-05, 6:51PM EST
Yes, I’m looking for a potential boyfriend. Someone with whom to have conversations on the phone, spend time at my place, have the occasional game of Scr-bble, regular cuddling, and maybe sleepover on Saturday nights.
I’m a homebody and not particularly social, that’s why I’m posting an ad to meet someone. I don’t have a boyfriend because I know what I want - and I have yet to find that guy who finds me compatible.
I’m 26yr, average height, slim build, attractive, and I’ll give more details if you ask for them. I am intelligent, opinionated, and enjoy a good conversation. I’m not big on labels, but here are some that apply: Vegan, Humanist, Rationalist, non-religious, Libertarian. I’m not looking for someone who necessarily agrees with everything I think, but I need someone who respects my perspectives.
* Location: MD
In the interest of compromise, I'm willing to let you have our vegan libertarians, but I'm drawing the line there. And I'm sure that other DC-area residents will feel the same way. We're not going to take this lying down. (Even though taking things lying down is the way about 80% of our local gay population rolls. Thank God.) I'll bring in other DC-area bloggers if I can, and I'll act alone if I must, but mark my words: this sexual hegemony of New Yorkers will not stand. Through some combination of public humiliation and private machination, we will continue our work until you're huddled in your overpriced co-ops begging for mercy, your only companionship a scale model of the Empire State Building that you've unwisely decided to use as a sex toy.
By the way, I still love many of you New Yorkers, especially the bloggers. I would like to think that you were unaware of the actions of your fellow denizens, but I don't know. I've asked several of you about this guy, and so far all I've received are vague expressions of regret, coupled with mild embarrassment. I want to believe that you're not all just circling the wagons, but where is your outrage? The silence is deafening.
And to think, just the other day I was feeling guilty about my and b&c's recent decision to skip our annual post-tax season trip to NYC in favor of six days in the Virgin Islands. Now I can sit on the beach and sip fruity drinks without any guilt. (Also, I can get a whole week's worth of fruity drinks for the cost of a single NYC Martini.) But don't worry: if I meet any cute young guys with a hankering for city life while I'm on St. Thomas, I'll be sure to point them to craigslist. For DC.