Friday, March 30, 2007

Because, really, what's sexier than desperation?

Submitted for your approval, readers. Three ads, all from today's Northern Virginia1 section of the Washington "Men Seeking Men" ads on Craigslist. Take a gander at (in reverse chronological order):

first Looking 4 Right Now-Bi-MWM lookin 4 youngerBi/Str8t FuckBud to Host - 42

42 -5'11", 170, Brn eyes, Brn hair, smooth, shaved balls and asshole. Lookin for a bud to slide some meat in my hole, and if they want some in yours all the better. I'm arried so u have to host. Hit me back, and let's get our nut off together

second Hot Bi-MWM for YOUNGER Bi-Str8t Dude to nail me/get nailed UHost NOW! - 42

Seeks bud, younger to hump and grind,rim, maybe try stuffing some meat in my tight ass. Me, W/M, 5'11", 170,32 waist, Brn Buzzcut/Brn Eyes, smooth. Prefer other str8t curious/Bi dudes,and am more than willing to stick some meat in a cute ass as well. General guy sex/fun. YOU MUST HOST. FREE NOW. PIC GETS FAST RESPONSE>

[Hey, does that look a little bit familiar to you? Hmmm.]

third Bi- Married Seeking Younger Str8/Bi F@*!! Bud For Fri. after 7am - 42

Married, goodlookin dude looking for younger brother type to put some dick in me for the first time. Reply to pics, and U MUST HOST. Me W/M 5'11" 170, 32 waist,short brown hair and eyes, ht/wt proportionate. New at this so don't ask me what I'm into. I've always banged women. I just want to fulfill my fanasy of taking thick meat up my ass from another dude. Willing to stick in a nice ass as well. Want a dude in Rte 1, Huntington, Hybla Valley, Kingstowne area. for mutual convenience.

[You know, I just can't help thinking I've seen you before. Were you a post-doc when I was an undergrad?]

I don't normally consider it my job (let alone a public service) to fisk CL ads, but I'm going to make an exception. Maybe my comments will help closeted married guys everywhere get laid a little easier.

Let's begin with the big picture (and I don't mean that one of his torso in the third ad): posting three CL ads in 8 hours is lame. I realize that your average CL reader has the attention span (and the intelligence, if some of the replies I've gotten are any indication) of a fruit fly, but even so, some people are going to notice that you've posted multiple ads. Especially when they're all on the same page. Maybe in NYC or San Francisco, the ads scurry down the page like cockroaches when the light goes on, but in NoVA, on a weekday, you can count on your ad showing up for a whole day. When someone sees three ads, they don't think, "Oh, wow, he's gotten so much action that he's lost his memory. I'm gonna answer the ad right now because amnesiacs are hot. Who didn't want to bang that guy in Memento?" No, they think, "Oh, the first two ads didn't work out, eh? Quelle surprise."You can sort of see how the ad changes over time, can't you? He's figuring that he just has to tweak a few things so that his marketing strategy will bear fruit (so to speak) and the invitations will pour in.

Now on to some of the details. I list below a few of the claims from one or more of these ads. I believe that each of these claims is to some extent at odds with either common sense or the available evidence:

1. 42 yo
2. 170 #
3. 32 waist
4. ht/wt proportionate
5. first time

Before I go on, I wish to make painfully clear the fact that I am not making fun of this guy for what he is. I have had delicious moments with men who were older, larger, or older and larger than this guy. I'm making fun of this guy for claiming to be what he's not. If you don't like who you are, then change it. If you like who you are, or it's something you can't change, then own it. Or, you know, remain silent about it. Just don't lie, and especially don't lie when you're providing contradictory photographic evidence.

Now, back to his claims. I'm providing my responses below, in no particular order. Today's Fun Pages game is to match my reply with the claim. You can draw connecting lines on the screen if you like. The answers will appear, upside down, elsewhere on the page2.

A. Little known fact about mathematics: you can take any two numbers and make a ratio out of them.
B. Right, because all m2m virgins shave their assholes.
C. Maybe in 2002.
D. Maybe in 1997.
E. So it's true that they make male girdles.

Married dudes: it's just not that hard, ok? You want to get fucked, and we want to fuck you. We don't care that you can't host. We know that we'll never hear from you again and that you won't be dramatic or clingy, and we like that. But be straight (ahem) with us, and be realistic. If there's some smoking twenty-five year old straight boy out there looking to plow a furrow for the first time, he can do better than you. And, really, that guy isn't out there. If you're looking for someone to bump your uglies, your best bet is someone who likes having sex with men and, more importantly, knows what he's doing. Think about how eminently sensible that last sentence was, and I'm sure you'll see the error of your ways. Or, hell, keep doing what you're doing, and perhaps after forty-five additional ads, you'll find some really horny straight guy who won't understand the concept of lube and will invite you over and then kick you out while you're still to sore to walk, that is if he doesn't suddenly realize that he's just fucked a man for the first time and go postal on you.

Because, you know, no jury who's read your ad would convict him.

1Ok, look, y'all. I realize this is a bitchy post, and normally I hate bitchy, but I'm in a mood, ok? I also don't normally cruise the NoVA ads, but I was salivating over the naked pics of the hotties perusing the Maryland ads, and I came across a couple that made me laugh, so I thought that I'd look for some really bad ones, and if you're looking for utter tools in the DC area, you look to NoVA. I love Virginia. Really. I was born in Richmond. But I would never, ever live there again. Not because of the abysmal traffic, but because they hate the gays there. Also, this set of ads was not (necessarily) the worst example there: it was just the first ad on the page when I surfed on over.

2Does anyone know the html code that would allow me to write "Made you look" upside down?


KipEsquire said...

The NYC ads are much much much worse both in terms of repetition and BS.

(So I'm told ... I of course never, ever, visit the CL ads.)

copperred said...

When I was considerably younger *cough* college slut *cough*, and lived in Baltimore, there was never the reliable dividing line of quality, except White Marsh earning its name. NoVa ads are stuffed with wonderful terms like "straight" "straight-acting/appearing" which are the white man's DL. On the flip side they have a wonderful selection of military men.

You really should consider becoming the Agony Aunt of CL. I'll take Manhunt over CL any day, if only because my skankier friends show too much on the CL.