Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Listen up, People

I have a very full schedule today, so I'm going to make this brief.

The phrase "play for my team" is over. It was, in fact, over a year ago. If I have to read one more craigslist missed connection ad where the writer says "I don't even know if you play for my team, but if you do, let's have coffee," I'm going to have to start hunting down the perpetrators and breaking their thumbs giving them stern talkings to.

Let me break it down for you:

1. If you want to know if someone's gay (or bisexual), ask if they're gay (or bisexual). Better yet, ask if they do the particular thing that you want them to do to you.

2. If the person's straight, why the hell would he be reading the m4m section of the craigslist missed connections, unless it's to laugh at you. And do you really want to know that he's laughing at you? Do you really want to open your inbox one day and see:
Dude,
I'm the guy in the Metallica t-shirt who smiled at you last Thursday in Logan Circle. Except I wasn't smiling. I was smirking because your tongue was hanging out of your mouth. I don't get that whole "play for my team" thing. Is it some kind of recreational football league? How can you not know who's on your team? Don't you end up passing the ball to the wrong guy a lot that way? Anyway, I'm straight, but if I were gay, I still wouldn't do you. And if I were gay and I was attracted to you (which, let me reiterate that I am not), I would have just said hello and asked for your number instead of placing a lame ad. At first I was embarrassed when my gay officemate told me there was an ad that sounded like it was for me, but then we both thought it was pretty funny, especially since I wear that Metallica t-shirt with a sense of irony. My entire office thinks it's (the ad and the t-shirt) funny, too. In fact, there are straight women all over Arlington laughing at you now, so congratulations.

Anyway, I'm not much of a coffee drinker, but if you ever see me in a bar, and I've had six beers, maybe I'll let you give me a blowjob and then wonder the next morning whether it really happened. But probably not.

Have a nice day!

Guido


3. Coffee? If you want to have sex with the guy, just say so. I will even allow you to use euphemisms, provided they aren't too trite.

Have a nice day.

4 comments:

Silly Billy said...

Thats hilarious.

Will said...

If I ever find myself in your neck of the woods, I think I'd really like to meet you.

Soul Seared Dreamer said...

LOL. That post is just too funny.

Atari_Age said...

Ha!

You know, I'm still not sure what the point is of posting on Missed Connections. Is it really that popular that there is a real change of two people connecting in this way?

Of course, I now have my local MC set up as a site feed to see if anyone has ever MC'd about me, so I can't be so critical anymore.