Thursday, April 5, 2007

Reaching out in a World Full of Strangers

So my mood improved a lot this afternoon (sorry about that little rant) when somebody who needed some tax research done brought me a bag of m&ms. (I am so easy in so many ways.) I was, once again, ready to embrace my fellow man, and when I am in this sort of expansive, benevolent mood, I like to temporarily leave behind my scorn for those who substitute words for actions.

In other words, I spend my lunch (quarter) hour reading the Missed Connections section on craigslist. (Note: the following ads are all actual ads, and were all posted today. You never have to look very hard to find gold.)

I'm pretty sure that I don't know anybody who's ever written or responded to a CL MC ad (my benevolence extends only so far, after all), but there's something undeniably poetic about the naked yearning that goes into them. There's something touching about people who are willing to really put themselves and their emotions out there. In an anonymous and noncommittal way, naturally:

Georgetown mall bathroom - m4m - 26

A couple of days ago u fucked me under the stall in the bathroom. as you came you called me baby...anyways it was hot. would love to do it again either there or maybe somewhere else where you could pound me a little dark hair me blonde.

Now it isn't stated explicitly here, but the "fucked me under the stall in the bathroom" leads me to believe that faces were not seen, so the "you dark hair me blonde" refers mostly to pubes, and how touching is it that a guy who knows nothing about another guy other than, presumably, that said other guy has a nice cock and shoots fairly quickly (entirely forgivable under the circumstances, I'm sure you'll agree) and whether he manscapes is reaching out to his fellow man to establish an ongoing connection. You can tell, from the fond way he recalls the single term of endearment, that he probably wants even more, but I would have to advise against these two guys dating. In addition to the fact that their wives/girlfriends would almost certainly object, eventually their friends are going to start asking them how they met, and they'd probably rather break up than actually answer that question.

I know it sounds like I'm making fun of the missed connections crowd, and, well, ok, maybe I do occasionally snicker at the notion that someone who's too afraid to walk up to a guy and introduce himself thinks that that same guy is just as lame as he is and is, therefore, trolling the missed connections in the hopes of finding his soul mate. Certainly, a number of the ads fall into the clueless category:

this guy in my class at Nova - m4m - 22

I am just crazy about you. And yet don't have the guts to come and talk to you. If you read this post then I am certain that you'll know who I am. Send me a mail.


guy manning the door tuesday night at Halo - m4m - 25

would love to grab a drink sometime.
i am 25 ... 140, 6'1".
email me and ill send you a photo.

Examine, for a moment, the unwritten assumptions underlying these ads. In the first case, some people might go so far as to suggest that a eensy bit more specificity would be of assistance here. On some level, pretty much any male student in Nova (I don't know whether he's referring to the entirety of Northern Virginia or the community college, but they're both pretty big) could respond to this ad. Heck, maybe that's the point: maybe this guy's just a big old slut and wants to bend over for every gay, bi, or curious man within a ten-mile radius. You go, girl!

The second ad is admirably specific, but come on, dude. If there's any guy who's not afraid to tell you that he thinks you're cute, it's the guy who works the door at a gay bar. Think about it: if you don't respond at least politely, he can refuse you admission.

Sometimes, I wonder whether someone's making the ad up for my amusement. Because this one's just great:

Burglary and Coffee????? - m4m - 34

You are the police officer who rang my door at 1am after the burglary across the street. I wanted to bring you coffee when I woke up a few hours later as you guarded the broken window, but you were gone when I woke up.

If you are interested in a rain check on that coffee, let me know. You have my number from your white pad.

The whole scenario is reminiscent of, and nearly as touching as, a fifties romance remade in the eighties and starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Some people might suggest that the writer is not quite thinking clearly because he was blinded by a combination of sleep deprivation and the glint of a badge, I wouldn't say that at all. Nosiree, Bob. I'd say that I need to email that guy and tell him that I have handcuffs.

Some of the ads, alas, are neither touching nor humorous, though they are very sad. Example:

Paul of 8th Street - m4m - 38

You won't read this, but I just needed to put it out there just in case...

We never get enough time to talk alone, uninterrupted, or as often as I'd like. And based on who you're in a relationship with, I suspect I'm not your type. Just know that to make you smile, to see those eyes dance and that gentle face light up makes my day; when I look back at my day or my week it's those fleeting moments that sustain me in a job that doesn't fulfill my potential.

And, yes, so you know, you have a very sweet, adorable puppy, you're right to be a proud papa, but when the weather's nice it's your legs which I've seen too briefly I'll admire not the dog at your feet.

Ah, me... to fall for the unattainable, untouchable guy.

I suppose that CL provides a service for the person who wants to unburden himself but who's too lame to take charge of his own happiness, the person who wants to complain about the state of the universe rather than to make his own place in it. I mean, really, if this guy didn't have craigslist, he'd have to get a blog!

For what it's worth, the other day, on my lunch (quarter) hour, I did some statistical analysis of the MC ads. In the DC area, between 12:01 am and whenever I was eating (probably about 1:30 pm), 59 MC ads were posted. Of these, 26 were in the m4w section, 19 were in the w4m section, 13 were in the m4m section, and 1 was in the w4w section. I consider this compelling evidence that the population of the DC metro area breaks down along the following lines:

Straight men: 44%
Straight women: 32%
Gay men: 22%
Lesbian: 2%

These results are not entirely expected, but clearly they are a more accurate indication than, say, a survey by some statistician. On the whole, I'd have to say the figures are great news for both me and straight women, but disappointing for straight guys and Rosie O'Donnell. I guess NYC gets to keep her.

Further good news for the gays: you really, really don't want to read the MC ads in the m4w section. You may think that we gay men are lame, but, compared to the lameness of the straights, we are totally the shit.

1 comment:

Silly Billy said...

How exactly do you fuck UNDER a bathroom stall?