The Nose on Your Face

Tuesday evening, while I was waiting for my second hookup to arrive, I was hanging out on gay.com. I saw Brad, my friend and occasional massage subject, so I said hello and asked him how he was doing:

Brad: Oh, there's been a lot of drama. My ex wants to move to DC, and he asked me whether I mind if he moves here.
Ted: Doesn't your ex live in Baltimore? What's the big difference? Or is this another ex.
Brad: Another ex. Ex #1 lives in Baltimore. Ex #2 lives in Florida and wants to move to Falls Church.
Ted: Oh, Virginia. Just tell him you don't care.
Brad: I told him not to consider me in the decision. But if he moves here he wants to be friends again. I've gotten to the point where I can see him with his current partner and not be ill, but I don't know about close friends.
Ted: Well, what do you want? You're allowed not to want to be friends with him.
Brad: Really?
Ted: DC's a reasonably big town, and there's no reason you ever need to go to Virginia. Just tell him to avoid you. Hell, you're like ten feet tall. He can see you from three miles away and just go in a different direction.
Brad: LOL. Good point. I think I could handle seeing him once in a while, but I don't want to hang out with him. He's still smoking hot, and I have to work hard not to have unpure thoughts when I'm around him.
Ted: Oh, that makes it much easier. Just have an affair with him.
Brad: ?
Ted: If you fuck him, he probably won't want to see you again, in which case you get what you want. Or he'll want to have sex with you on a regular basis, in which case you get what you want. I believe it's what they call a win-win.
Brad: So I'd get sex, but we wouldn't have to be friends.
Ted: Right. It's a safe bet that if he has a partner and he's fucking around with you, he'll want to avoid spending any time with you where you aren't both horizontal. Unless you like to do it standing up, but your ceilings aren't that high, are they?
Brad: LOL.
Ted: Anyway, it's the obvious solution.
Brad: I would never have thought of that, but it kind of makes sense. Thanks!
Ted: You can always count on me to get in touch with your inner slut. Speaking of that, I better get offline. My next hookup should be here pretty soon.
Brad: Have fun!
Ted: I always do.

I don't know what people would do with me to instruct them. How could he not have thought of that himself? More depressing than his inability to conceive the obvious solution is his likely inability to carry it out. I'm pretty soon that before long I'll be hearing about how he's spending more time with his ex, wishing that he weren't, and not even getting laid in the bargain. Most guys create their own unhappiness.