Reading the Signs

So y'all know I don't have all that much sex, right? I don't mean that I make things up. If I write about sex on the blog, then it's sex I actually did have. And I have sex with b&c that I don't bother to write about on the blog. But still, it's not all that much sex. All the other gay bloggers have much more sex than I do: they just have a corresponding degree of subtlety and restraint that I don't. Also, a better way with euphemisms. So when someone says something like "I took Rhonda out to do some grocery shopping," what he really means is "You remember that guy who likes me to call him 'Rhonda'? I fucked him again yesterday. Twice. The second time around, I used a tube of Jimmy Dean sausage. Then I went home and made the other half whole. Twice." Or when someone says, "I could blog about a horrible tennis defeat to the Office Guy. But no ... you guys don't want to read about it," what he really means is "I suppose I could write about how I ran into my co-worker in the men's room and he hauled me into a stall and spanked my ass before he fucked it. Twice. But I have too much class for that: I'm not TED, after all. Thank God. Twice."

In a similar vein, a few days ago, I had a brief e-mail exchange with a blogger whom I'd inadvertently been a dick to. Only a little bit of a dick, but you know, there are enough people out there who take great pleasure in being a huge dick that I shoot for not being a dick at all, to help provide a little bit of balance. And when I fail, then I try to apologize for being a dick. While writing this paragraph, I'm struck with the notion that somewhere there may be a language where the same word is used for both "to be" and "to have," and if there's some program that translates blogs into that language, there are some bewildered foreign readers out there thinking that I strive very hard not to have a dick. I apologize to my cherished notional foreign readers for any confusion I may have caused. I hope you don't think I was being a dick.

Anyway, in the course of this exchange, I complimented this blogger's blog, and because he is compulsively polite, he complimented my blog and told me that he was envious of my sex life. He further stated that he didn't have as good a sex life as mine because he was either too lazy or too neurotic, most likely too neurotic. I was going to write back and thank him for his kind words, but I couldn't decide whether to call him on the obvious lie about not having as much sex as I do. In the end, I decided not to write back at all because I didn't want to waste any more of his time. I was pretty sure, after all, that right after sending me the e-mail, he had gone to his office's break room with the copy boy, whom he proceeded to fuck. Twice.

My schedule precludes hooking up most of the time. It's true that I can accept a blowjob or let a guy ride my cock while I'm sleeping, but that can be considered rude. Besides, I can't set up the session while I'm asleep, so hooking up when I'm sleeping is pretty much out of the question. I work in a fairly conservative field, so hooking up while I'm working (and I work a lot) is decidedly frowned upon. I can't hook up when YFU is over, and I can't hook up while I'm having sex with b&c. Given all of those limitations and given the fact that every other gay blogger is having sex all the time, is it surprising that when I have a free moment or evening, I'd want to have some fun? Twice?

So, yeah, I hooked up twice Monday night, and I hooked up twice again last night. But I only hooked up twice over the weekend (I had to go to the office and finish up some work. I did also have a very good time giving an erotic massage on Sunday, but I really can't write much about it because the guy I gave the massage to is the only one of my blog readers -- so far as I know -- whose penis I ever get to touch. He doesn't like it when I discuss what we did in much detail, so I will only say that it was very good to have him on the table. He's been playing a lot of tennis all summer, and it shows on his body. Sadly, he's straight. He might say he's bi, but on his very best day, he's no more than a Kinsey two. What a waste of hot man flesh, but I suppose we have to let the women have something, more's the pity.), which makes a grand total of six hookups in five days, which is about as close as you can come to having no sex at all without being this guy.

Anyway, I was working until about seven last night, so just before I left, I posted a CL ad, figuring that there'd be some responses by the time I got home. The first promising one came from a deaf guy in Montgomery Village. He wanted to host. MV isn't far away, and I figured traveling would mean one less load of laundry, so I overcame my aversion to MV (it's the sort of place where if you park in the wrong space, you subject yourself to instantaneous tazering earnest lectures from Concerned Citizens) and headed off. After a few e-mails back and forth, of course. The guy was into most of what I was into (he loved kissing, loved being rimmed, and was versatile), but he wanted to make sure that I didn't have a problem with deaf guys.

A problem with deaf guys? As if! I was all, hey, I read Durban Bud, and I know that TJ (in a rare moment of honest disclosure about his sex life) claims to have fucked every deaf guy he met over a period of some years. So I hopped in the shower, then I surfed over to DB. I wanted to be able to say "nice to fuck you" and "nice to meet you"when this guy and I were done. TJ's instructions weren't very precise, alas, but I'd already said I'd go, and, well, sex, you know?

Dan had said in his last e-mail that he'd leave the door open for me. I love that. It's really hot to go to a man's place, open his door, walk in, and find him on the bed, naked and horny. But, of course, this was a hookup in Montgomery Village, so I found him in the foyer, dressed (he was even wearing crocs: ugh), and holding a guest parking pass. He told me (he spoke very clearly) that he needed to come with me to make sure that I had parked in the right space because "they're very strict about parking here." I'm pretty flexible about a guy's fantasies, but I do think that using parking regulations as a means of foreplay is some pretty weird shit.

Anyway, after all that was sorted out, we went back into his apartment and into his bedroom where he proceeded to undress with almost alarming alacrity. We'd been kissing all the way from the front door to the bed, and I pushed him down and started to kiss him some more. He was a pretty good -- and eager -- kisser. He had a sharp lower tooth that caught my lower lip a few times, but nobody's perfect. I guess we were rolling around on the bed a bit because a couple of minutes later, he somehow back somersaulted off the bed and onto the floor. I think it was accidental, but you never know. He jumped up, told me he was find and got back on the bed, on his stomach and looked at me expectantly. I think he wanted the tongue in the ass right away.

I, however, was not in so much of a hurry, and I figured that if he wanted my tongue in his ass, he could put my cock in his mouth, so I rolled him onto his side, lay next to him, and resumed kissing, followed soon thereafter by some fairly mild nipple play. Not long after that, he decided that he did want to suck my cock after all. He was pretty good at that, too, and the sharp tooth was, happily, nowhere in evidence. After a minute or so of lying back and enjoying, I pulled his ass around and started to give him the treatment. He was a very quiet guy generally, and the first noise I got out of him was a soft moan after my tongue had been around and in his ass for a few minutes. I spent some time on the nuts, but mostly it was just a prolonged rim job.

I tried some finger work on the ass, but it was really tight. My guess is that when he said he was versatile, he really meant "I don't have anal sex, but I don't give and don't receive pretty much equally." Anyway, I was pretty sure he was too tight for my cock, so after a while, I put him on his back again, and I kissed him while he jerked off. When he came, we'd only been playing slightly more than half an hour, but it was already 9:30, and I figured I could use a good night's sleep, so I got dressed and left. He followed me to retrieve the parking pass (kinky!), and thanked me. I smiled and once again cursed TJ's lack of specific instruction.

It was a solid one-star hookup. Fun and pleasant, but not the sort of thing you'd go out of your way to repeat. The second hookup of the evening was considerably better, but it'll wait for another entry. YFU is over tonight, and b&c is due back from Germany late, so there'll be less extracurricular sex around here in the near future, so I have to ration my recent experiences, especially the ones that were the most fun. There are three or four that I haven't written about yet, so there's still plenty of smut left in reserve.

Or maybe I'll just post the cookie recipe.