What Passes for Political Discourse Chez TED

B&c: Are you looking forward to the debate?
TED: Oh, don't even.
B&c: Don't even what?
TED: Don't even pretend that there's any chance that I'm going to let you use our one cable outlet to watch Senator McCrankyPants when you know full well that tonight is the season finale of Project Runway.

B&c: Oh. I forgot.
TED: Did you forget how many houses you own, too?
B&c: Don't you think that joke's a little old?
TED: When a line of attack works for me, I stick with it. I run a very disciplined campaign. And don't even try to make a joke about discipline because you know my riposte will crush your lame insult.
B&c: Yes, sir. I can probably pick the debate up on one of the other sets, with the rabbit ears. I want to see whether Shieffer does a good job.
TED: Oh, please. As if he'll be paying attention. When you see him staring at the monitor, you'll know what he's really watching. If you hear him shriek in delight during one of McLame's responses about offshore drilling, you'll know that Korto edged Leanne for the win.


B&c: I hope Obama fights back tonight.
TED: Oh, fight. Fight, fight, fight. Have you heard McSame's new stump speech? It's all about how he's going to win the election because this country is worth fighting for, and he comes from a long generation of fighters. As if the shithole this country's in right now isn't in large part due to the fact that we were being run by people whose first response in every adverse situation is to fight instead of, I don't know, maybe to negotiate. I want the people who are good at fighting to be in the military, and I want them to be governed by people who think that military action is the last, not the first resort. BUT NO, THIS FUCKING IDIOT -- WHO LOST SEVERAL PLANES DURING HIS MILITARY CAREER BECAUSE HE WAS SUCH A FUCKING HOTHEAD -- HE WANTS TO FIGHT!
B&c: I think you'd better have another glass of wine.
TED: WHY?
B&c: Because you're talking in all caps.
TED: Whatever. I will have that wine, by the way.


B&c: Anyway, I hope that Obama has strong comebacks.
TED: He always has strong comebacks. He just holds them until he needs them.
B&c: I just want him to stick it to McCain about the experience issue. He needs to point out, because I went and checked you know, that Abraham Lincoln became President after six years in the Illinois legislature and one term as a Congressman.
TED: Bad idea.
B&c: Why?
TED: "Senator, you're no Abraham Lincoln."
B&c: Oh. Well, maybe. At least Obama's up in the polls.
TED: True. I just hope the Republicans don't somehow manage to get every Democratic vote disqualified by activist judges. I think they may have already won Ohio that way. But perhaps I'm just cynical. I'm so tired of listening to their attacks. Did you read the Times today? People in a WalMart parking lot aren't voting for Obama because he's of mixed race and God says that we should keep the races separate.
B&c: I'm thinking that Obama wasn't going to do all that well with the WalMart parking lot demographic, anyway.
TED: Maybe not.


B&c: I must have missed that story. But I was reading in the Times today about a conversation between Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin.
TED: How did she manage to carry on a conversation with his dick in her mouth?
B&c: Oh, ewww.
TED: Then again, I guess his dick isn't all that big, so if she can talk and chew gum, she can suck him off and say "You betcha!" Besides, on the rare occasions when he can get it up, he probably only lasts for fifteen seconds, so maybe she was okay.
B&c: That's gross. Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?
TED: No. Mostly you. And of course, I use it to eat the asses of most of my FWPs. But they're very clean. Much cleaner than Rush's member, I am sure.


B&c: Oh my god. You're disgusting.
TED: In other news, the sky is blue.
B&c: What if your daughter hears you talking that way?
TED: She's on the computer, with her headphones on.
B&c: Yeah, but do you talk that way with EFU?
TED: Oh, sweetie. Where do you think I got my foul mouth from? If a sailor's walking down the sidewalk and he sees EFU, he crosses the road to keep from blushing and because he knows he can't keep up with her. My language is posi-fucking-tively angelic compared to EFU's. Compared to her, my smegma-spewing tongue is as clean as a surgical theater. Compared to her...
B&c: Stop. You have made your point. Don't you ever long for the days of clean language and civil discourse?
TED: That depends. Do you ever miss fucking your ex-wife?
B&c: Well, no, but... oh my god. You did not just say that.
TED: You're right. I saved that last line for my blog.