Monday, March 31, 2008

Crazy Lance Learns To Take a Punch

Many of you, I know, have been wondering exactly what double fisting entails.

Regular readers of The Neighbors Will Hear will remember my friend Crazy Lance, whom I have talked about on several occasions, including here and, more recently, here. For those of you who don't want to do background research, the important points are that a) the "crazy" in Crazy Lance is meant very literally, b) he's been through some tough times, and c) the last time I saw him, he'd started getting some treatment and was doing much better.

I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, though, and I'd been so busy that I hadn't had much of an opportunity even to chat with him. So when I saw that he was online late last week, I decided to say hello. He said hello back the next morning, and then we chatted in the afternoon. I have changed nothing except the names, so I'm afraid you're going to have to live with the way responses sometimes cross in chat making things a little less sequential than they'd be in an in-person conversation.

LocoLance (8:53 AM): Hey there, TED. Yes. I'm over at Jack's.
TED (12:11 PM): Hi, Lance. How are things?
LocoLance (2:03 PM): hey, TED things're going well, thanks. i'm over at jackie's. just got the bathroom floor wiped up (scrubbing will have to be put off, for now, but I used disinfectant, so any dirt particles that may be hiding in the grout are, at least, free of creepy-crawlies) and a letter written. we're getting ready to run a couple of errands. so today's a good day. how're things, with you?
TED (2:05 PM): Fine. I'm just working lots.
TED (2:06 PM): I worked until almost eleven last night. I'm a little tired.
LocoLance (2:09 PM): sleepy, never tired.
LocoLance (2:11 PM): how're you holding up? you know, folks are depending on you. but that doesn't mean you need to be exhausted. are you able to git 'er done, and still have a mind left?
TED (2:20 PM): Oh, I keep forgetting about the tired thing. Can I be exhausted or fatigued instead?
LocoLance (2:20 PM): fatigued is good.
TED (2:20 PM): I think my mind is still here, more or less. I'll bounce back when it's over.
LocoLance (2:21 PM): i'm so glad, bud.

TED (2:21 PM): What's happening with you?
LocoLance (2:21 PM): dare i tell?
TED (2:21 PM): Sure.
LocoLance (2:21 PM): well...
LocoLance (2:21 PM): you see...
LocoLance (2:21 PM): it's like this...
TED (2:21 PM): You are such a tease.
LocoLance (2:22 PM): i was listening to my loretta lynn cd, the other day, see...
TED (2:22 PM): And now you're proud to be a coal miner's daughter?
LocoLance (2:22 PM): ...and she's got this song on there, see, called "fist city"?
LocoLance (2:23 PM): oh, i was always proud of that. it was just the alchy thing, and the wife-beatING (rather than wife-beatER), that i objected to.
LocoLance (2:24 PM): the thing is that, having heard "fist city", i decided to take a little trip down that way, myself.
TED (2:24 PM): Cool. I love fisting stories.
LocoLance (2:24 PM): i'm going to a fisting party, tomorrow night.
LocoLance (2:25 PM): some guys box (or do "ultimate fighting"); i'm getting into fisting.
TED (2:25 PM): Sounds like a plan.

LocoLance (2:25 PM): my goal is "to the elbow", eventually, but, for tomorrow night, it'll be to be "punch fucked"
TED (2:25 PM): To the elbow is pretty extreme. On the other hand, you're very tall.
LocoLance (2:26 PM): i don't necessarily mean "punch fucked" as in "the fist is already closed, when it's shoved in".
TED (2:26 PM): You don't want the fist to close until the hand is in.
LocoLance (2:27 PM): i just mean that it'll go all the way in, to the wrist, and then be pulled out and pushed back in, RELATIVELY quickly, before the session's over.
LocoLance (2:27 PM): hey, TED, i saw a porno on x-tube where EXACTLY that happened.
LocoLance (2:27 PM): now, you couldn't see the guy's face, so it could have been a corpse, that it was happening to...
LocoLance (2:27 PM): but i doubt it.
TED (2:27 PM): In my experience with fisting, closing the fist once my hand was inside was the most fun part.
LocoLance (2:28 PM): and i saw a guy STICK HIS HAND in some guy WHILE his DICK was in there, and hold his dick and fuck his hand INSIDE THAT GUY'S ASS
TED (2:28 PM): You have to walk before you can run, buddy.
LocoLance (2:28 PM): oh, MAN, i can't wait to fist a guy slow, you know? taking my time, feeling it ALL?

TED (2:29 PM): Do you know these guys already?
TED (2:29 PM): Slow fisting is really where it's at.
LocoLance (2:29 PM): i fisted a guy at the last party, and it was AWESOME (i actually GROANED), when my hand went in, to the wrist...
LocoLance (2:29 PM): ...but it was kind of a quickie.
LocoLance (2:29 PM): yes, i think so.
TED (2:29 PM): Ok. Just be careful.
LocoLance (2:30 PM): how can you be careful? there'll be gloves and crisco, etc...
LocoLance (2:30 PM): ...but any of them could get AIDS tonight, and it wouldn't show up, and he could infect me, tomorrow.
TED (2:30 PM): I just hope you're doing it with people you can trust.
LocoLance (2:30 PM): ...and any of them could be a psycho
TED (2:31 PM): It's not HIV I'm worried about. The gloves will take care of that.
LocoLance (2:31 PM): will it? who knows. i hope so, of course.
LocoLance (2:31 PM): but no, i probably won't know most of these guys.
LocoLance (2:32 PM): all i know is that they're part of a club that gave me (a stranger) a membership card, the night i showed up for my first party.

LocoLance (2:32 PM): i'm going to give my friend a machete, though.
LocoLance (2:32 PM): and it'll be drawn, while anybody but him's fisting me.
TED (2:34 PM): Well, that certainly sounds menacing.
LocoLance (2:34 PM): if he agrees to kill anybody who kills me, i'll let anybody in the club who want's to do it, in there.
TED (2:35 PM): Somehow, I never think that sex should be based on mutually assured destruction.
LocoLance (2:35 PM): yeah, but i won't be relying on him. i've got an old cavalry sabre. i'll be holding that, just in case my friend hesitates.
TED (2:36 PM): So if anyone kills you, you'll be able to kill him yourself. Sounds like a plan that can't fail.
LocoLance (2:36 PM): it's got a dull edge, but a sharp enough point that it'll go through the throat of a guy who rams me.
LocoLance (2:36 PM): my death will have to be instantaneous, or his will predede mine.
LocoLance (2:37 PM): he'll be gurgling blood through a hole in his throat, and drown in it.
TED (2:37 PM): And to think that I hook up with so many guys without having a detailed security plan. Or even weapons. I feel unprepared somehow, now.
LocoLance (2:37 PM): indeed. you are.

TED (2:38 PM): It's a wonder that I've survived as long as I have.
LocoLance (2:38 PM): i feel the same way. somebody's probably looking out for any of us, who're still alive.
LocoLance (2:39 PM): any of us could have died in any number of ways, in any number of moments.
LocoLance (2:40 PM): i can't tell you how many times i've watched a shadow-life veer off to the side, when I bumped something, in the house (a vase, or whatever) and it wobbled, but DIDN'T fall over and shatter.
TED (2:41 PM): How are you doing with your medication?
LocoLance (2:41 PM): how many times (like the time i hit a slick spot, on the road, in that damned Citation, and just did at least one 360 on the exit ramp, one night) i could have died or worse, and a "shadow life" in which i did, went veering off into time-space
LocoLance (2:41 PM): what medication? i don't have medication.
TED (2:42 PM): I thought the doctor put you on some.
LocoLance (2:42 PM): that was over a month ago. almost two. i had a month's medication, in that prescription.
TED (2:43 PM): You said you had gone to see someone about getting into the system and getting some treatment.
LocoLance (2:43 PM): i couldn't sign the agreement. it was a stupid agreement.
TED (2:43 PM): Oh Lance.
LocoLance (2:45 PM): hey, bud. i'd love to chat, but jackie and i have places to go, things to do, people to see. i don't know what's going to happen, either tomorrow or in the next second, but today's a good day, we're together, and we've got errands to run.
LocoLance (2:45 PM): best wishes, and good luck, there, at work. catch ya later.
TED (2:45 PM): Have a good day, Lance.

I did see that Lance was online again late last night, so I presume that the machete was not necessary. I'm pretty sure that I will never host a fisting party (I very much dislike vegetable shortening), but if I did, I'd stipulate that the dress code be nude, no weapons.

Kidding aside, it's not surprising that Lance signed off immediately after I started talking about treatment. I didn't say hello tonight because I just don't know what to say to him. I'm not sure he's safe to be around, but I reckon that I'll find a way to see him after tax season is over. He is usually at least open to listening to what I have to say, so perhaps some gentle remonstrations about the importance of mental health care are in order.

Or at least I can ask him if he got some pics at the fisting party. I mean, I'm concerned, but I'm still curious.


Lewis said...

I swear, we all have, and even NEED, Lance's in our lives. For the fisting and machetes.

Stash said...

It's been years since I've been fisted, but I prefer J-lube to Crisco.

Though I'm sure with the right top I could get back in the saddle quickly. ;)

Jason said...

I always enjoy your stories about Lance. Something clinical, in fact.

Tork said...

As I read abuot the machete, I was thinking that he would be chopping an erring hand off, but then I remembered all those warnings about not pulling ticks off because you leave the head in, and bees leaving their stingers in when you swat them, army ants with embedded pinchers, etc. Relieved to learn that it was the neck he would be aiming for...