The Neighbors Will Hear: Excuse Me?

So I logged into (one of) my gmail account(s) this morning, and there was a link at the top to this! I have no idea who this Sarah Lacy person is, but from scanning her article, she seems fed up with me because I didn't invite her to something. Whatever: I just don't do tuna.

Then I looked into it a little more, and apparently my identity has been misappropriated for a whole conference. I can't begin to tell you how disconcerting I find this. Apparently, my namesake stands for "Technology, Entertainment, Design." I'm sure all of those are good things, but I don't really see any TED-appropriate subject matter at that conference. As far as I can tell, the technology has nothing to do with improvements in sex toys, the entertainment is a bunch of people WITH THEIR CLOTHES ON, and the design, well, my idea of great design is a design for my ideal bed. My ideal bed will be a fairly large structure (sleeps eight, comfortably) made of 4x4s, because it'll need to stand up to a lot of hard use, and lined with eight inches of memory foam, because I love that stuff. There'll be posts at the four corners as well as intermediate posts halfway along the head and foot of the bed, and all of those posts will be outfitted with heavy duty metal eyes so that it'll be easy to fasten restraints to them.

I would show you a drawing of the ideal bed, but I can't draw worth shit. Maybe I could get somebody at this TED thing to design it for me, but somehow I don't think Al Gore is up to the task. I mean, I voted for him, but I'm pretty sure that he's never been in a restraint or put anyone else in one, either. I remember that whole deal where he gave Tipper that big kiss at the Democratic National Convention, but I'm pretty sure that was an act. I'm not sure they even ever had sex. You'd think they had sex five times because it took that many tries before they finally got a male child, but I hear that Junior bears a suspiciously strong resemblance to the turkey baster.

Anyway. The motto for TED is "ideas worth spreading." I guess that's okay, but when I think about spreading things, one item (or pair of items, really) leaps to mind, and it's not an idea. I think they should change the whole thing to Spread for TED. I'd be happy to show up as the keynote speaker, but mostly I'd arrange to have displays of cutting edge sex toy technology, entertainingly used by handsome naked men on the design prototype for my ideal bed.