Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Don't worry, readers. I'm not starting one of those regular features that you see on a lot of blogs. I have nothing against regular features, but sometimes I think they're a way of avoiding acknowledging that you have nothing to say. You know me: when I have nothing to say, I post dirty (ok, dirtier) pictures. So, "SFWednesday" is not meant to indicate the first of a series. It's just easier than finding yet another synonym for miscellany.

A Primer

Sadly, I must admit that I still do look at my user statistics more often than I should, and they, combined with my e-mail, tell me that I seem to have more than the two or three regular readers I used to have. Which, in turn, means that some readers are newer readers and are not familiar with all of the abbreviations I use. (Note that I didn't say acronyms. Some of my abbreviations are acronyms, but not all. When people use "acronym" to describe something that isn't an acronym, I am displeased in a Marvin-the-Martian-that-makes-me-very-angry sort of way, though I have yet to blow up a planet over it.) So here's a list:

TED: The Enlightened Dude. Me.
B&c: Ball and chain. My partner of just over four years. You are to understand that the name is ironic: I don't know anyone less clingy or given to jealousy than b&c (except maybe me). Which is not to say that he's always reasonable, but who among us is? I have never quite figured out why everyone except b&c is capitalized, but I'm sure it's the right choice.
EFU ("EE-foo"): Elder Filial Unit. My older daughter. Currently pushing 19 and a freshman in college. The best of all possible teenagers.
YFU ("WHY-foo"): Younger Filial Unit. My younger daughter. Almost 12 and a sixth grader. The best of all possible pre-teens.
FWP ("Fwip"): Friend with privileges. Someone you hang out with and occasionally have sex with.
FWOP: Friend without privileges. Someone you hang out with and never have sex with.
HQT: Horizontal quality time. If you require further explanation, drop me an email.

The only other convention that I use regularly (more often in real life, actually: I haven't used it here recently, but I may start) is the TNWH masturbation euphemism generator. If you here me say that I was plundering the boomerang or alphabetizing the mesquite, you'll know that I was having a wank. I realize this convention can be confusing: if I say that I was rearranging the sock drawer, I might actually have been rearranging my sock drawer. But what are the odds?

A confession: I don't get lolcats. Or any variation thereof. I thought the Lolcat Bible was funny for about six verses. I only hope they don't go after Shakespeare next. There are a lot of other things that people on the Internet find funny but leave me cold, but I won't make a list. I don't want to seem like any more of a wet blanket. For the record, though, I do like actual cats. And actual dogs.

Sometimes I think I post too many pictures of scantily clad and unclad men. It seems to attract readers, but I have no desire to get a huge readership. That's part of the reason I don't bother with a blogroll, though, admittedly, sheer laziness is the main reason. Anyway, the pictures seem like a cheap device, but posting them gives me a ready excuse to spend fifteen minutes a day looking at naked guys online. I would think more about this, but then I'd be dangerously close to introspection, and I only allow myself thirty seconds a week for introspection, and I usually spend that time wondering whether I'm squeezing the marmalade frequently enough. The answer is always "no."


Will said...

I have done a scientific survey and am happy to reassure you that you definitely do NOT post too many pictures of scantily clad and unclad men.

My survey was in no way prompted by self-interest.

Tork said...

Cocks and ass. Cocks and ass. Ass and ass....well at least they get almost equal time.

John said...

Thanks for the primer, TED. I had figured out "b&c" long ago but had been going nuts trying to crack "EFU" and "YFU" (although obviously I figured out the "elder" and "younger" part pretty quickly).

D-Man said...

I was just going to ask...