Thursday, January 31, 2008

Suddenly Last/Next Summer

Yesterday, over at Franck's, I was reading about his weekend trip (the boy travels a lot) to the beach (Papamoa Beach. "Papamoa" is Maori for "copious sex under the influence of alcohol," in case you're wondering.), and he happened to mention a lifeguard competition over at some place called Mount Maunganui. He didn't give us any pictures, though. I assume that's because he was naked in all the pictures and his massive, massive cock crowded out all the hot men in Speedos, but that could just be an Internet rumor. I mean, sure, it sounds impressive, but you have to figure that an eighteen-inch penis* would cause some logistical difficulties. It would, though, explain why his last eight boyfriends have died, but died happy.

Anyway, I did find pictures that looked like they were of the lifeguard competition, but these aren't they. They're just general Mount Maunganui beach photos. I thought you might enjoy them, even though they're SFW (sorry!), because for most of us it's winter now. It is, of course, summer in New Zealand. You knew that, right? Of course you did. I'm very aware of those surveys where 85% of American high school graduates can't find Canada on a globe. I'm figuring a similar percentage don't quite get how the seasons work, but surely my readers are not among the ignorant masses.

I suppose one shouldn't generalize from a limited data set, but there were a lot of pictures of a lot of different men at Mount Maunganui, enabling me to determine the following:

Everyone in New Zealand has the body of a lifeguard.

New Zealand is currently experiencing a severe fabric shortage, meaning that only the very wealthy can afford anything larger than a Speedo. I also conclude that spandex prices are kept artificially low by the government. ("Maunganui," by the way is Maori for "banana hammock.")

The guy who took these pictures is clearly a bottom. I looked hard for good ass shots (well, don't I always?), but there were none to be had.

Other things that are in short supply in New Zealand include body hair, body fat, and people of color.

New Zealanders love having their pictures taken.

No one who lives in New Zealand ever emigrates. Would you?

*Please don't go bother Franck with offers to service his monstrous meat: I made the whole eighteen-inch penis thing up. I was going to make a joke about having confused inches and centimeters, but then it might sound like I have actual knowledge of his endowment, and I don't. (I'm sure it's more than adequate, however.) Similarly, I have no authoritative evidence as to how many, if any, former boyfriends he has fucked to death. Also, my Maori translations are, shall we say, loose.


Atari_Age said...

Heh. If it weren't for the travel time (Lewis Black says of the flight: "Just kill yourself") or the cost, I'd love to go there or Sydney every weekend. OK maybe alternate weekends with Montreal.

I've become fascinated by Aussies and Kiwis and have long wanted to visit.

Lewis said...

18 inches? Holy smokes. Can you say HORSEY?

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Say, what's that mess? Lewis! Have you been drooling on the blog again?

Jason said...

How come Kiwi and Aussie men are so guiltless and proud in their skimpies? Not complaining, of course.

Oh, "The guy who took this pictures is clearly a bottom." Grammar, TED.

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Oh thanks a lot, jason. Now that you've pointed that out, I won't be able to have sex with myself for at least a week. It's a good thing b&c is coming back from Miami tomorrow.

franck said...

Hahaha, I'm flattered. Also, to put everyone's mind at ease, I have yet to fuck someone to death.

There is a huge amount of very hot, very almost naked men "at the Mount" and you're right, most of them are white, but I did spot some very lovely brown boys as well.