Saturday, February 9, 2008

And I'm Jell-O Baby


I understand that sometime this week it was Chinese New Year. I know this because there was a cute little graphic of a rat turning a page on a calendar on the main Google page. My cultural awareness knows no bounds. I know shit about astrology and less than shit about the Chinese Zodiac, but there was this cute half-Vietnamese guy I dated for about a month five or six years ago who thought that our chances of a relationship were doomed when he had determined that I was both an Aquarian and a year-of-the-whatever guy. He cross referenced my combination with his combination in some book that he had actually spent good money on, and the book said that we would either have a very intense affair or have nothing to do with each other, because we were compatible as lovers but not as friends. Well, we did have very intense sex for a while, and then we never spoke to each other again, so maybe there's something to it. But probably not: I rather think that the relationship was doomed because I can't see myself dating the kind of guy who regularly consults psychics.


Anyway, I know that not all of the guys in the pictures here are Chinese. I confess that, visually, anyway, I have a typical white American response to Asian guys. I feel bad about that, but it's essentially the same response that I have to red wine: I don't really give a fuck whether it's a Cabernet or a Pinot Noir or a motherfucking Shiraz, if it tastes good, just give me a glass or two. Please. I kind of feel the same way about men with skin darker than mine, smooth bodies, and small uncut cocks. Please, sir, may I have more? I swear to you that if I'm ever in the position of dating an Asian man (or an heir to a premier cru house in Bordeaux), I will absolutely expand my cultural knowledge.


Even so, China's an awfully big place, so understanding that a guy's from China doesn't really get you very far in knowing what he's like. In some ways, all men are the same, and in other ways, we're all unique.


Anyway, back when I was single, if someone asked me what sort of man I wanted, I'd usually say that I wanted a 38-year-old, multi-lingual Asian who did research in molecular biology and had been classically trained as a cellist. What this really meant is that I dreamed of the following characteristics:
a man of color
a scientist
a polyglot
a trained musician
short
slender
smooth
underendowed
uncut
non-American


And b&c is a polyglot, so one out of ten is really not bad. Of course, if you had asked me which of those things was absolutely essential, I'd have said that none of them were. Still, if you happen to know any 38-year-old molecular biologists who speak four languages and play the cello and who are either looking for a guy on the side or who just happen to travel to Maryland when b&c goes abroad, I wouldn't mind hearing about them. As long as they're nice bottom guys who kiss well, of course.


I'm pretty sure Mr. Part-time Right's going to show up. At the office today, lunch was Chinese food, and my fortune read, "From now on your kindness will lead you to success." What else could it possibly mean?

3 comments:

silent songster said...

Dear Lord, it comes as something of a shock to realise that I score 7 on your list of 10. Well, I did loosely interpret polyglot to mean 2. And I'm nice. And I think I kiss well but, of course that's in the mind of the beholder isn't it. Oh...wait....you didn't include age on that list....oh, well, that's alright then!

Jason said...

There really is no need to feel bad, to an extend of course, to assume that all East Asians and many southeast Asians are basically "Chinese" or at least Sinicized. As said, "China" is pretty big, and historically, many "non-Chinese," including those nomadic "barbarians" with yellow hair and of Siberian and Mongolian origins invaded and "became" Chinese. Imagine Europe with none of its current nation states since 221 BC.

What worries me, however, is the following:
"been clasically trained"

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

As it happens, I pretty much can't tell Europeans apart, either. If you put a Swede, an Irishman, and an Italian in a room together and told me there was one of each, I suppose I could tell you which was which, but that would also be true with three guys who were from China, Japan, and Korea. But if I see a white guy on the street, I generally have no idea about ethnicity beyond white guy.

I apologize for the spelling error. I really have not been editing my posts lately, so when the spell check is down, as it sometimes is, things slip through. I am, however, suitably mortified.