Simple truths are sometimes very hard to come by, especially when the truth is something you would very much rather was not the case. It's tempting to think, once you finally accept the unpleasant truth, that you've had an epiphany and that something has been revealed to you, that you have been enlightened. But, really, it's more likely that you've been putting the truth together and have gotten it bit by bit, and the only difference between now and all those other times is that you've finally managed to state it succinctly.
I'm aware that I'm not making any sense, but I'm working the logic out as I go along. I figure this entry will once and for all silence those people who just can't believe that I really don't spend time editing this shit.
I'm sure I've either said or hinted at here before that I have a lot of trouble with submissives. By which I mean that I have trouble keeping submissives coming back on a regular basis. And to some extent I figured that the problem was that I was too nice to people who didn't want to be treated nicely. But how long can you really act like a rotten SOB if you are not, in fact, a rotten SOB? If, as all good Unitarian Universalists do, you believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all people, how do you convincingly treat someone as if he's worthless?
And I had hoped that there was a problem with the premise of worthlessness. I'd hoped that the desire to submit came from a desire for great security and for freedom from choice. Because you could maybe reconcile wanting to feel very secure and not wanting to think with being a worthwhile person. (Consider monks, for example.) You could ask someone to tie you tightly and do all sorts of weird things to you just because it felt good to you and not end up afterwards being ashamed of yourself. I couldn't quite work out how I personally would let those things be done to me and still feel good about myself, but, of course, I recoil from the notion of submission, and I don't think my repugnance has anything to do with self-respect.
But today I had this conversation with a submissive. I've had some version or other of this conversation with this same guy three times over the past several years. I really, really, really would like to fuck him because he's dark and 5'7 and 145 pounds and has a big, beautiful ass, and his profile picture is of him lying naked, face down, on a boulder, and he's just hot, hot, hot. But then he also seems like a nice guy, so I generally approach him as a nice guy, and the conversation always ends up in the same place. Here's a transcript from today. Nothing has been changed except the screen names. This exchange doesn't cast me in a particularly good light, but TNWH is about both the ups and the downs of my erotic life, so warts and all, right?
TED: You're such a tease. blacknutforwhitebolts: who me? TED: No, the other guy with the gorgeous ass bending over. blacknutforwhitebolts: hehehe TED: Was that rock comfortable? blacknutforwhitebolts: a towel underneath TED: And here I thought you were hardcore. blacknutforwhitebolts: nah blacknutforwhitebolts: i'm a softy blacknutforwhitebolts: lol TED: I guess if you're a bottom it doesn't matter as much. blacknutforwhitebolts: why? TED: You don't have to get hard. blacknutforwhitebolts: lol blacknutforwhitebolts: thats tru blacknutforwhitebolts: i'm a hole TED: Holes are good. blacknutforwhitebolts: i think so blacknutforwhitebolts: -) TED: Me too. Of course, it's nice when a bottom shoots while I'm fucking him, but as long as he works his hole right, it's not necessary. blacknutforwhitebolts: i shoot sometimes when a man is in me, but it is just as satisfying to me that he gets his release... infact thats even MORE important to me ... because i am a hole! blacknutforwhitebolts: u understand that? TED: Well, I understand it, but I don't really get it. But I'm fine with it. TED: Like I said. I like holes. blacknutforwhitebolts: what don't u get? TED: I mean that way of thinking is unlike mine. I understand exactly what you mean, but it's foreign to my personal experience. blacknutforwhitebolts: ok blacknutforwhitebolts: i am not really a man and not really a woman either, i am somewhere in between which is why i am a hole! lol TED: It's like when I play with submissives. I can see how much they enjoy it, and I always have a great time, but I don't really get why they're submissive. TED: It looks like a very good hole. blacknutforwhitebolts: its good TED: I have no doubt. blacknutforwhitebolts: a sub can't help himself, neither can a yrue dom blacknutforwhitebolts: true dom* TED: I know people can't help what they like. blacknutforwhitebolts: yup TED: I don't judge. I find it all very fascinating. blacknutforwhitebolts: do u think i really wanna be a sub? TED: I don't know. Do you mind being a sub? blacknutforwhitebolts: i can tell u i don't wanna be one! i wish i was a dom,but can't help it... i hate that men have that power over me... but like i said, i can't help it, i am compelled to do it. its my lot in life TED: I think you should accept it and enjoy it. blacknutforwhitebolts: it feels good, but i don't like it... i feel very uncomfortable about white guys crawling on top of me jizzin in my hole and leaving... i feel terrible about myself afterwards, but there i am the next day underneath another guy (or the same one) lettin them do it again TED: Why does it matter that they're white? Do you think I like black men because of some racial prejudice? I like black men because they have gorgeous lips and asses. Otherwise, I'm relatively colorblind. blacknutforwhitebolts: actually it doesn't matter what color they are, but thats who i usually end up spreading my legs for... they seem to have the most power over me TED: I find it difficult to deal with subs sometimes because they're ashamed of themselves. I'd be happier if they just accepted that what we were doing made us both happy. blacknutforwhitebolts: honestly, it would not matter to me whehter u were prejudiced or not, if i was horny and u wanted my sex, i would bend over for u.. pretty twisted huh? TED: Having sex because you're horny isn't all that twisted, really. TED: Besides, it's not like you don't have standards. blacknutforwhitebolts: even if u know the guy is an asshole blacknutforwhitebolts: ? TED: Well, ok, if you know the guy's an asshole, that's a little twisted, unless it makes you hornier. blacknutforwhitebolts: i have had guys fuck me and tell me to leave whether i have cum or not -- and i have done it with them several times TED: But don't you always turn down guys who have partners? Or is that just me? blacknutforwhitebolts: what does being an asshole have to do with having a partner blacknutforwhitebolts: are u an asshole too? blacknutforwhitebolts: LOL TED: I don't think so. But I could pretend to be one if it would help get me in your pants. ;-) blacknutforwhitebolts: LOL blacknutforwhitebolts: u funny TED: I try. blacknutforwhitebolts: hehehe TED: I can't help being a nice guy, but I'm still pretty good at dominating men. blacknutforwhitebolts: thats cool blacknutforwhitebolts: i only like being dominated tho if the guy is naturally dominant!! thats hot, but if he is not naturally dom, i would rather he just be himself, that can be equally hot too TED: I don't know what naturally dominant means. When I was newly out, I was dating a guy, and he encouraged me to dominate him, and I just loved it. Does that mean I'm naturally dominant? I don't know. blacknutforwhitebolts: just do what u feel TED: Oh, that's easy. I feel like tying you down, making out with you, chewing your nipples, spanking your ass, eating your ass while you're going down on me, and then fucking you. blacknutforwhitebolts: then i will do that 4 u man TED: Sweet. blacknutforwhitebolts: =) blacknutforwhitebolts: u r married and have a parner, right? TED: I have a partner. I'm divorced. I live with my partner. He travels a lot. We have an open relationship. blacknutforwhitebolts: ok blacknutforwhitebolts: i got a good memory huh? TED: You do. I'm glad you remember. blacknutforwhitebolts: your bf is white? TED: Yes. Italian. blacknutforwhitebolts: so u want a little brown sugar? hehehe TED: I have yet to meet an ethnicity I don't like. But you are certainly very attractive. blacknutforwhitebolts: thx TED: I very much want to meet and play with you. blacknutforwhitebolts: but u have a man blacknutforwhitebolts: why not play with him? TED: I do play with him. But he's a vanilla bottom, and I like a wider range. We both play with other guys. TED: Besides, a guy can always use more fuckable friends. blacknutforwhitebolts: hmmmmmm blacknutforwhitebolts: see i don't get that, if i was lucky enuf to have a lover i would only wanna be with him and him with me TED: Then I hope you get that one day. But we're all different. When can you and I get together? blacknutforwhitebolts: thats a deadend TED: What's a deadend? blacknutforwhitebolts: u can't be my man... already have one TED: So? We can still have fun. You said before you wanted to. blacknutforwhitebolts: i do want to... but i really want my own man blacknutforwhitebolts: ;-( TED: We can hang out until that happens. blacknutforwhitebolts: lookin4 a man 1st TED: You just told me you sub for guys. TED: I'll try to remember longer next time.
And every time this conversation happens, I get annoyed, even though I know exactly how it's going to go. He starts out all hot and heavy, and then he says that because I have a partner, we can't fuck. Today I came back at him for a second conversation and tried being as mean as I could, and he got really excited, but, of course, I couldn't keep it up. I mean, there are only so many times in your life that you can tell anyone that you want to fuck them with an unlubricated baseball bat and remain credible, and my number, apparently, is zero.
But the gods know that I adore the trappings of domination. I love seeing the submissive go into ecstasy when the first unexpected drops of molten wax hit his nipples. I love the way their bodies tighten and excite when their movement is restrained. I love the immense feeling of intimacy that happens when someone puts his physical safety into my hands. To some extent, I'm sure guys choose to do that because they know I can be trusted, but the fact that I don't abuse that trust seems to make it unlikely that they'll do it again.
So I was trying to work all of this into something about how self-disrespect and voluntary infantilization are incompatible with mature adult interactions, and I thought I had it, but I guess I don't, so let's all pretend that the clouds have parted, and the doves have descended with the holy fortune cookie, and I've taken out the little slip of paper, and it says: