Howdy, readers. We begin today with a craigslist ad. Not, as I usually give you, a missed connections ad; rather, it's your standard personal/hook-up cl listing:
Gaithersburg Top looking for a bottom... - 36 (Gaithersburg)
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2009-03-09, 4:26PM EDT
just like the attached pic! I don't want a flat or a wide ass. I want one just like the pic for a LTR. Must be able to host & discreet. Looking for someone local to the Germantown to Rockville area. Not interested in looking beyond those points (unless your bottom is better looking than the one in this ad).
MUST BE STD/D&D Free (HIV NEG).
Send pic of your bottom to verify/confirm that you are exactly what I'm looking for.
Race nor age are an issue.
* Location: Gaithersburg
Now, y'all know that I believe in knowing and stating clearly what you want, but I also believe that asking for what you want has to be balanced by something I call not-being-an-unrealistic-asshat/douchenozzle. (That's all one word in German, but I can never figure out how to type the accents.) Seriously, I'd have little negative to say about this ad if the guy hadn't thrown in "for a LTR." If you're all about the ass (a condition that I have much sympathy for and that I would likely share if there weren't so many other parts that I'm also all about), then it's perfectly reasonable to ask for that sort of ass to play with, but you're going to select or not select someone as a life partner strictly based on his ass? Really? Wouldn't you at least want to know that they shared your taste in music and came down on the same side of the cats v. dogs question? Let's think about who's going to answer this ad: somebody who wants to be judged entirely by his backside. Perhaps someone that shallow is the perfect match for the guy who posted this ad, but perhaps (we can hope) someone that stupid just doesn't exist. On the other hand, if such a person did exist, we can speculate that perhaps God (if he, too, did exist) would have given him an ass like that, as compensation for the utter lack of brains.
Also, if you're looking for someone for an LTR, why does he have to be able to host, and why does he have to be within about a five-mile radius? Geography is sometimes destiny, but if you're looking for someone who has a very particularly perfect ass and who's dumb enough to be charmed by a married/partnered guy who claims to want an LTR, you should be willing to go a few more exits up or down I-270. And spring for a hotel room.
Oh, and finally, does anyone believe "Race nor age are an issue"? Execrable grammar aside, it's pretty clear that he really means, "Neither race nor age is an issue, as long as you're younger." You could argue that this guy would go as high as 40, but then I'd have to remind you that he's probably at least 42.
And now for something completely different.
Just before I left the office last night (i.e., at about 9), I hopped on gay.com briefly, and my buddy Andy, whom I have not seen in quite a while, said hello to me. Andy is a sweet, and sexy, man, but he's even worse about keeping in touch with semi-close friends than I am, and it's unusual for him to start a conversation. I asked how he was doing and whether he was still dating that guy I saw him with at last year's film festival, and he told me that that guy was "wacky" and that he was better off without him. So we chatted a bit more, and I said that it had been forever since I'd seen him, and he said that he knew and that he missed me (odd), so I asked him whether he was free last night. He said he wasn't, but it turns out we're both free on Friday night, so we agreed to get together. And then we had the following conversation:
Andy: Do you want to meet for dinner or do you just want to fuck me?
TED: Or? I was really hoping for both.
Andy: LOL. Ok.
TED: How about if I stop by with some wine? Then we can fuck and then go out to dinner. I always fuck better on a full stomach.
TED: Besides, that way I can eat more, because I'll have just exercised.
TED: You know I think you're very sexy, but you know that I like you as a friend, too, right? I do enjoy spending time with you, even when we're not horizontal.
Andy: I know. I think you are the kindest man I've ever met.
TED: Oh, dude. You really need to meet more men.