Super Bowl Tuesday

I hate to be the one to break it to you, sports fans/readers/political junkies, but Super Tuesday and the Super Bowl are, it now appears, completely separate phenomena. Yeah, I was surprised, too. I was sitting at my computer Sunday surfing porn minding my own business when it occurred to me that the television had been on for some time. I stumbled into the den to see, of all people, b&c watching television. Naturally, I was all, "You're watching television? What happened? Did Arturo Toscanini die again?" And b&c was all, "I'm watching the Super Bowl." And I was all "Dude, the Super Bowl isn't until Tuesday. That's why they call it Super Tuesday. You're probably watching the World Cup." And then I sat down because, well, lots of really hot guys running around in shorts.


But I was mistaken. It was the actual Super Bowl. Fortunately, when I sat down, there was still almost a minute and a half left in the game, so I got to see the Giants come from behind with a truly spectacular reception or two, and then I got to see New England try unsuccessfully to score one last time. Isn't that pretty much what I would have seen if I'd watched the other 58:30? And I can see all the commercials on YouTube. I'm so efficient.


Apparently, the decision to play the Super Bowl before Super Tuesday was driven by Fox, who didn't want to preempt American Idol. I guess that if some people were to tune in Tuesday to watch the off key sensation du jour and instead saw Tom Brady undressing Eli Manning with his eyes, they might be disappointed. I reckon I'd be disappointed, but only by the "with his eyes" part. You know that, left alone in a locker room with their natural inclinations, Tom and Eli would be flipping a coin to see who gets to receive first. Why not get the whole event on camera? Finally, a use for instant replay that we can all get behind.


I don't follow football any more. You may think that's because I'm a dedicated ass pirate, but not so. I was an avid Redskins fan in my youth, but I pretty much gave up football when I got married. It turns out that if you don't spend your Sundays in a recliner with a beer, you get major points with your wife. Not enough to make up for, say, being gay, but that's just because women are inherently demanding and unreasonable. Anyway, once I hadn't been following football for a few years, it was too hard to pick up again from scratch. Besides, it's addictive, and while I certainly appreciate men in tight pants, the football players wear far too much clothing, and their asses all start to look alike after a while.


If you're going to go in for salivating over professional athletes, you're much better off with tennis players. I find that most tennis players wear shirts that are way too loose, but at least they all look good in their shorts, and sometimes the shirts will fly up to show a flash of ab.


I maintain that tennis would get much higher ratings if its governing body banned shirts entirely. Not only would the players look better, but they'd need to go to the towel a lot more often. (This paragraph is taking a while to write: I keep getting lost in thoughts of offering Rafael Nadal a towel.) And I'm sure there would be no end of volunteers lining up to help Roger Federer or Andy Roddick apply sunscreen. I also envisage an expanded role for the ballboys.


I think that almost any sport, with the possible exception of diving, would really benefit from a redesign of the kit. (I'm not sure that this will work for golf, but I can't wrap my head around any contest where you win by minimizing the number of strokes.) In most cases, I'd just tell the uniform designers to start with what they have now and take away two-thirds.


Or maybe more. I've heard that the Super Bowl is not exactly a ratings loser, but American Football is often quite tedious. Way too much violence, way too little skin. There's a lot more skill involved in flag football. I say we strip the players down to jockstraps, flag belts, and athletic shoes to allow all of us to enjoy the beauty of the game. I know that some people would miss all the tackling, so we'll have the players do that at halftime. Minus the jockstraps: the action is purer that way. Nude combat echoes ancient Greek athletic competitions, so it would also bring in the all-important Classical scholar demographic.


I know what you're thinking: are we really going to expect Tom Brady to play almost naked in New England in December? I have two thoughts for you: a) for $60 million over six years, he can handle a little cold, and b) really, really perky nipples.



By the way, if you're in a Super Tuesday state, get out and vote, ok? It's not like you're missing the big game.