Friday, August 29, 2008

Bedded Down

The chronology goes something like this.

Four years ago. TED moves into b&c's house.

B&c: And this is the bedroom.

TED: It looks familiar. Maybe because we've been sleeping together for a year. And that's the bed, right?

B&c: Right.

TED: It's adorable. Where's yours?

Three years ago. TED grows tired of backache, moves memory foam pad onto bed. B&c grumbles for a month or two, and one day TED comes home and the memory foam pad is on the floor.

B&c: I need a firmer bed!

TED: I need a softer bed. Besides, this bed sucks. There's no headboard, it sags in the middle, the frame's falling apart.

B&c: This mattress is only thirteen years old! It's fine!

TED: And it's too small for threeways. I'm always afraid someone's going to fall out.

B&c: If you were versatile, that wouldn't be a problem because you'd always be in the middle.

Two years ago.

B&c: Maybe we should get a king-sized bed.

TED: Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?

B&c: This mattress is starting to sag, and we could use more space. Plus, it's too small for threeways.

TED: Not to mention that I can't tie tall men to it in a spread-eagle position.

B&c: I thought you weren't going to mention that.

One and a half years ago. B&c drags TED out bed shopping. They try one of those pick-your-number beds with dual supports, but it's kind of disappointing. TED whinges about back problems and notes that two extra-long twin beds pushed together are the same size as a king-sized bed and allow for customized firmness. B&c agrees to think about it but begins to travel a lot. TED puts two memory foam toppers on when b&c is away and doubles one up when b&c is home. Grumbling ensues.

Nine months ago. Uber-cheap bed frame finally gives way.

TED: Now we can get a new bed! My back hurts. That bed's sagging, and it's not big enough for us to sleep comfortably, and I can't tie tall men to it, and it's way too small for orgies. You should have seen me trying to get five guys on it when you were in Jordan bottoming for the men's soccer team. And all their coaches.

B&c: Some of those arguments are more compelling than others. We'll get a new bed when I'm not traveling so much.

TED: So, 2020?

B&c: You know, you're really not as funny as you think you are.

TED: The frame is broken!

B&c: It's just one leg that broke off. We can prop it up with something we never use, like some old books.

TED: Or your brain. No, wait. I need something bigger than a walnut.

Three days ago.

TED: Listen, I'm exhausted, and I need a decent night's sleep. EFU's out of the country for the semester, so I'm just going to sleep in her bed, with the memory foam toppers, until we get the king-sized bed. You're going back to Colombia in a week-and-a-half anyway.

Two days ago.

B&c: I bought a king-sized bed today. They're delivering it this week.

Who knew it was so easy?

1 comment:

tornwordo said...

Oh so familiar, all this. The "it's only one leg that's broken" is exactly something I would say.