Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Kisses for Misses -- Plus a Special Political Appeal

Oh, readers, it has been long, too long, since I ventured into the sexual and emotional morass that is the craigslist missed connections section. I go back and forth on these ads. Mostly, I think that they're posted by wimps who, having passed up their chance to seize the day, deserve no pity. But sometimes, if I'm in a good mood perhaps, I think that they're posted by wimps who, having passed up their chance to seize the day, deserve a bit of sympathy, if not the cock, ass, or love they so desperately want but are unwilling to just go out and get. Not everyone, after all, has the balls to empty his balls, and that's probably as much the fault of a sexually repressive society as it is the fault of the nutless wonders who post the ads. Obviously, these men need to transcend the sexually repressive society so they can get some, but perhaps that's easier said than done. Anyway, the missed connections are still, sometimes, amusing or even (rarely) poetic, so let's have a look at a few recent selections from the DC area. I can assure you that the same level of pitifulness exists wherever there are missed connections ads. I've checked.

By the way, I'm going to let the sometimes egregious errors in spelling, grammar, and usage in some of these ads pass without further comment. Let's just pretend that they're a sign of the uncontrollable passion of the men writing the ads, rather than an indication of the impending collapse of Western civilization.

But before I get to the missed connections, I have to preempt this post for a political appeal. This next ad was in the casual encounters section, not the missed connections, but I had to show it to you. Any of you local top or versatile guys who want to get involved in some direct political action may want to respond.
MWM needs a Progressive Daddy to fuck the conservative right out of me - m4m - 45 (bored in my office)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-27, 11:18AM EDT

I have no idea why this fantasy appeals to me so much, but it does. I'm your regular, everyday office professional, married, suburban soccer dad, thoroughly Republican. Is there a progressive Daddy out there with the intellect and force of will to seduce and control me and turn me from whitebread conservative into his left-leaning stud princess?

I just imagine myself on all fours, moaning my thanks to him for showing me the error of my ways and opening my eyes to the truth as he takes me with authority. Then I'm on my back with my ankles on his shoulders screaming out my pledge to vote for Obama.

Too much? I'm serious, by the way.

We already had bottoms for Obama; now it looks like we can have tops for Obama, too. I'd volunteer to do my part, but he's in Northern Virginia, OF COURSE, and, while I fuck plenty of married guys, I draw the line at Republicans. Now, back to the missed connections.

I saw this one this morning, and I felt for the guy who posted it. He is likely even more a victim of sexual repression than the rest of us:
(((i m arabic))) - m4m - 41
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-27, 8:19AM EDT

(((i m arabic looking for arabic guys for fun)))sent your phon number

There was a pretty quick response, but it's hard to tell whether it was exactly what the original poster had in mind:
((((arabic gay )))) - m4m - 42 (falls church)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-27, 8:55AM EDT

seeking for arabic only to put it in my ass
Hopefully the direct email responses were more à propos.

you are visiting from CA and I met you and your son - m4m - 27 (north of dupont)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-26, 8:47PM EDT

you probably have no interest in someone like me...but you were very attractive and the boy was adorable... I loved watching you be a dad and it brought out all my dad tendancies....would love to spend more time with you while you are in town.


Threeways with brothers could be hot or weird (sadly, I've never experienced one, so I can't judge), but a threeway with a father and son is never a good idea.

Here's one for the OMG file. I'm not sure, though, whether it's an OMG-awesome! or an OMG-unbelievable! You be the judge:
You: the cute cop who was nice to me after my DUI arrest Thursday - m4m - 29 (Arlington Co. Courthouse)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-24, 6:54PM EDT

I got arrested for a DUI Thursday night and you're the really nice and cute officer at the jail who asked me about maintenance tips and how I look younger than I am.

You're my age, white, reeeeally cute, and nice! I hope to run into you again, but not under the same circustances under which we crossed paths Thursday night.

Maybe you'll read this, and maybe you won't but you're a really nice guy for 2:00 a.m.

I've decided: awesome and unbelievable.

A more standard, and lame, entry:
Crew Club Monday night - m4m - 34 (Dupont)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-26, 11:19AM EDT

Met you at the Crew Club last night around 11pm. The place was pretty empty but you were just what I was looking for! Walked past you and into the steamroom. You followed me in and we messed around a bit before boing to my room. Totally hot time... would love to meet up again!

Can I just dictate a new rule for sex club etiquette? If you're a top, you bring a Sharpie. The marker caps have little clips on them, so you can wear one on your towel. If you're interested in a repeat performance, you write your cell phone number on the bottom's ass. (Or, I don't know, on his arm, if it's just oral.) If you don't write the number, it means you're not interested. If he doesn't call, it means he's not interested. If he can't figure out how to reverse what he sees in the mirror or ask someone else to read it for him, he's too dumb to fuck.

This one's pretty clearly an OMG-get a life!
open letter to dog walker in columbia heights - m4m - 34 (Columbia Heights)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-27, 1:03AM EDT

I see you from time to time walking your dog around Columbia Heights. We chatted briefly once and that smile got me thinking I'd post something here just in case you're single and 'family.' Never know.

So, when does the pooch get the cone off her head?

And then this one. I know there's a fine line between follow up and stalking, but, dude, you know where the guy lives!
Green Lantern - Thurs - John - We met - m4m - 47 (DC)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-26, 2:24PM EDT

Doubt if you look here, but taking a chance. We went back to your place, had great time; you're black, I'm white. Am sorry I left without taking your cell phone number. Would like to see you again.

This one's my favorite. He was so taken by the man he was talking to that he no longer remembers much of what the conversation was about. But I mostly like it for the language:
Rencontre samedi soir sur le toit de ton immeuble - m4m - 27 (Columbia Rd.)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-08-25, 11:49AM EDT

on s'est rencontré sur le toit de ton immeuble ce weekend à la fête d'anniversaire de ton voisin. on a discuté un peu sur les élections américaines et je sais plus quoi d'autre. tu travailles au bureau Washingtonien de TF1. ton prénom commence par un P et se termine par un E. :-)

j'ai encore des indices, mais je préfère te les donner en vrai.

"J'ai encore des indices, mais je préfère te les donner en vrai." I will not be a complete man until I get the chance to use that sentence at least once.


Lewis said...

A Republican looking for the right-wing to be fucked out of him? Sounds like Larry Craig from Idaho...or a whole lot of others.

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Lewis, I suspect that the guy's already resigned to voting for Obama, and that he's just trying to get a little action out of the deal. I have little sympathy for gay Republican lawmakers, or gay Republicans generally, but it's gotta be tough to get laid if you're a closeted Republican in Northern Virginia. You don't have the option of turning to the other closeted Republicans in Northern Virginia: they're all sub bottoms. Personally, I think if he switched party affiliation and started wearing an Obama button, he'd have more up his ass than a proctology student's cadaver, but I reckon he'll have to figure that out for himself.

Jérôme said...

C'est effectivement mignon mais avec le prénom, son entreprise et g*o*ogg*l*e il ne devrait pas avoir besoin de la "missed connection section"... à moins qu'il ne craigne de passer pour un stalker! Mais nous 'avons qu'une vie!

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Vous avez bien raison, Jérôme, mais c'est aussi vrai que personne ne doit pas avoir besoin de la "missed connection section," n'est-ce pas? Un peu de courage reussira mieux que craigslist, je crois.

Jérôme said...

Exactement, mais le courage - ou la non-crainte du rejet - n'est pas donné ni à tout le monde, ni à tous nos instants... By the way, you were right : quite fluent in french ;-)

tornwordo said...

I don't think I agree with "too dumb to fuck" ; )