Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Updates of an Eclectic Nature (Mouseover)

I continue to function on too little sleep because I'm having too much fun. On Monday night, my evening and the all-important caramelization of onions were interrupted twice by men who each wanted ninety minutes of my time and attention. Then last night, a guy who I'd hoped would play for ninety minutes ended up staying for two hours and ninety minutes, and then I still had to start a large batch of yogurt. I should probably give you the details of all three encounters since they were all grrrrreat, but I am too tired to do the details justice. Oh stop whinging: you'll get the juicy bits eventually.

By the way, if a guy writes you a friend of yours the morning after to say that he wants to know when you a friend of yours can play again and in passing happens to thank you a friend of yours sarcastically for the hickey you a friend of yours gave him, should you a friend of yours apologize or just say "you're welcome"? Does it matter if the evening before the same guy -- who loved more than anything having his neck kissed, bitten, and sucked on -- warned you a friend of yours not to give him a hickey and you a friend of yours responded by saying that you a friend of yours never leave leaves marks but that if you a friend of yours did, the guy, who happens to work for a GLBT health organization, should really be happy because hickeys are safe sex? Seriously, shouldn't GLBT health organizations be distributing posters encouraging hickeys as a safe-sex practice? I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter: I a friend of mine really wants to know.

Speaking of married men, what is up with them? It seems like every time I post an ad on craigslist, I get at least two married guys who claim to be inexperienced yet eager and who send me multiple emails and promise to show up at a specified time and then disappear without a trace. I really don't care if guys don't show up, but what's with the inability to send an email or a text message with a lame excuse? I am, truly, more puzzled than annoyed, but that might be because I've easily managed to make alternate arrangements on all three occasions. I should probably be grateful to one guy since he was due to show up and go down on me for half an hour right before last night's marathon session, but I don't feel that this particular rudeness should be allowed to pass without remark. Even though I know that I won't hear from the guys again, I always send an email telling them that their behavior was inappropriate. If nothing else, it should keep them from contacting me again the next time I post an ad. Last night's flake did apologize, but not until after he'd received the castigating email. I think that maybe the fatigue is making me lose it because I wrote back to the guy:
I appreciate the apology. Fortunately, the guy who was coming by after you was early and stayed 3.5 hours and got two loads out of me, so it's all good. We'll have to see about another time. Tall, thin married guys who give great head are hot, and you sounded great on the phone, but I'm pretty sure that the rules of sexual etiquette say that if I have to complain about your not showing before I get the explanation, I no longer have to pretend to believe your lame excuse. I always pretend to believe the lame excuses when a guy cancels at the last minute but before I'm expecting him to show up at the door. I especially hate it when a guy flakes on me after I've given him my address. If you lived just down the street, then it wouldn't be a big deal to just take the occasional blowjob, but when it has to be scheduled and all that, it starts to seem like more trouble than it's worth, especially since I like guys who are a bit more interactive. I realize all of this is a lot more than you wanted or needed to know, but I've had three married guys flake on me just this week, so I'm venting, even though I managed to find suitable replacements each time, and even though I know that holding a grudge is never a virtue.
Yeah, I know, I'm insane, but at least I'll never hear from him again because who wants to have sex with a crazy person? Besides me, I mean. He did sound really hot on the phone, though.

In response to some emails from a reader, I am making a true effort to use possessive rather than objective pronouns before gerund phrases. (For example, in that last email, I said "your not showing up" instead of "you not showing up.") Breaking this particular habit requires a lot of work, but I suppose it would be hypocritical to continue complaining about people who use "lay" where they should use "lie" if I were to continue to knowingly live in grammatical sin. I have probably already repeated Emerson's line about consistency and little minds a few times too many. It is not always easy to know when one is breaking a real and sensible rule (like using a possessive before a gerund phrase) as opposed to a pseudo-rule (like not splitting infinitives) that exists only because some nitpicky English teachers mistook a stylistic suggestion for a law of grammar. And sometimes it's not easy being me, but I always try to be grateful that I'm a prescriptivist in matters of language rather than in matters of sex.

Speaking of rudeness, I had to apologize to someone who answered my most recent craigslist ad. His first email:
Might we have hooked up previously?
Are you off of [street near my home]?
My response:
Yes, I am. Your email address sounds familiar, but I can't find it in my inbox.
His second (and last) email:
Your partner was out of town; we played late at night.
And then I wrote back asking for his particulars and when we played (if I know the date, or approximate date, I can look the guy up on The Neighbors Will Hear) because, let's face it, there are a zillion several guys that I've played with late at night while my partner was out of town. I searched all of my inboxes, but I couldn't find anything. I have different record retention policies in different inboxes, but if I've deleted a guy, it's generally not because he was awesome, so I probably didn't miss out on anything, especially since I haven't exactly been lacking for company since I got back from vacation. But I figured that the guy was offended, so I sent a follow-up email apologizing for not remembering him. I didn't expect -- or receive -- a reply, but expressing regret seemed like the right thing to do. I do put a lot of effort into doing the right thing, or at least into owning up to having done the wrong thing.

Despite all the flakiness that ensues after posting a craigslist ad, I continue to marvel at how many guys are fundamentally decent, and sometimes even sweet. It's often worth taking a chance on someone who comes across not so well in email but whose sexual interests fit well with your own. Often these guys are defensive or weird because of fear or bad experiences (or because they're married and gay and have no idea how to reconcile their desires with their responsibilities) and turn out to be truly nice men when they find out that I'm much less of a jerk than other guys they've met. I think a lot of us (myself included, sometimes) aren't able to look past relatively minor flaws to see the decent, and sexy, person underneath. But if you can learn to do that, you'll be a better and happier person, and you'll have more and better sex.


tornwordo said...

Language is for communicating, as long as the message passes without causing confusion, any purported errors in grammar mean nothing. Plus it's always evolving. I remember in grade school being told never to end a sentence with a preposition, now I teach students how to do exactly that. As for the possessive before the gerund, they both sound fine, so they both, in fact, are. Me, I'm a little bit comma happy;)

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

I take your point, torn, and my original response to the person who took me to task for not using the possessive pronoun was "but it sounds fine the way I wrote it." Except that it didn't sound fine to him. What sounds fine to one person doesn't sound fine to someone else, so I think it makes sense to stick with what's correct, provided that I can determine what's correct. There are many things that either sound or look perfectly fine to a great many people who write on the Internet but that look horrible to me. The greengrocer's plural is the most obvious example, but there are plenty of others. Do you have any idea how many people routinely write "loose" where they mean "lose"?

I think that it's best to hold myself to a higher standard than the standard I use for others. So, yes, if I can understand what you mean, then fine, but I'm still going to do my utmost to write correctly. I used to be more uptight about other people's language, but I found that if I refused to hook up with anyone who couldn't write well, then I wouldn't have anywhere near as much sex.

As for not ending a sentence with a preposition, that's another example of a stylistic suggestion that became a false rule. One of my very favorite writers feels the need to follow it, but I certainly don't. I think it creates far more awkwardness than it avoids.

franck said...

Personally I get very annoyed when someone gives me a hickey. ESPECIALLY if I asked them not to give me one.

Call me weird, but I much prefer the top pictures to the ones underneath...

tornwordo said...

Funny you mention loose and lose. Although I call no one out on it, I harshly judge the person who misuses one (usually loose when they mean lose) each and every time. I spose that makes me a bit of a hypocrite.