Thursday, August 7, 2008


It seems that the lower my libido, the more interested I am in looking at hot men. In other words, my visual interest in sex is inversely proportional to my visceral interest in sex. This, readers, is the central paradox of modern life. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In fact, don't Google "central paradox of modern life" unless you actively seek annoyance. Because, if you do, you'll come upon book reviews that say things like:
Societies are not governed only by power and self-interest. What then does make societies function? How do real individuals live together in real societies in the real world? This work addresses this central paradox of modern life.
And, seriously: what the fuck? A difficult question is not a paradox. A paradox is a statement that appears to be self-contradictory but is nonetheless true. For example, "Sometimes, the more you show of an ass, the less attractive you make it." I will grant that this paradox makes sense only in limited situations: most good asses look better when you see more of them. But then there's this:

And, worse still, this:

I am old enough to remember a time when fashion choices were potent weapons in the war between the generations. That was back when it was still possible to shock one's parents and other elders. That is to say, back in a time when a parent, upon learning of his child's addiction to prescription and/or non-prescription drugs, would have a reaction significantly more volatile than to call the neighbors and ask what rehab center they sent little Billy to when he developed that unfortunate habit of snorting Ritalin. No, really: I was always an overly obedient child, but back in the 70s, there were older kids in the neighborhood who could turn their parents into rabid animals simply by wearing their hair long or their skirts short.

These days, of course, most adults are too preoccupied with their own lives to even remember that they have kids, let alone to waste energy being outraged by anything they wear. And if you're not wearing your jeans below your ass in order to upset your parents, then what other possible reason is there? Because it just looks horrible. And not horrible in a way that makes me outraged, just horrible in a way that makes me sad. An ass is a terrible thing to waste.

It can -- obviously, and correctly -- be argued that the belt-above-the-knees set don't really have asses in the first place, so there's nothing to waste. I suppose the logic here goes something like, "I don't have ass, so I'm going to look like ass." But you know, there's nothing inherently wrong with having a tiny ass. It's certainly true that a bubble butt is more visually attractive, but when you get down to the visceral level, a smaller ass is easier to drill deeply with your tongue or cock or sex toy du jour. Which is not to say that I prefer bony butt: I do find that having something plump to grab onto and/or bite is extremely exciting, and it's really not that hard to shove the bubble aside to make room for your tongue. But it is to say that while built and bubble are great looks, slender is a great look, too. That's why you don't see a lot of guys getting saline implants for their asscheeks.

But jeans are meant to show off asses that tend towards the melonish, so if you're slender, just wear something else. Don't shove the ass of your jeans below your true (albeit barely discernible) ass, and -- please, please, please -- don't wear jeans where the ass is too big for your ass. Just wear some slacks that fit you, and embrace your inner beanpole.

While we're on the topic, why are so many pictures of men in jeans shot from the front? I get that indigo -- faded or not -- is a great color for a lot of men and that it shows off their bodies well, but jeans exist to make asses look better, so show me the backside! I realize that some men are proud of how their baskets look in denim, but if you're looking to show off your twig and berries, you'll do better with something clingier and less stiff. I suppose there's a default towards showing the front side of a man because there you can see his face and abs and perhaps get some idea of what he's packing in the penis department. But I maintain that if a guy's got a truly great ass, the rest of him just doesn't matter that much. Sure, it's nice if he has a great smile and a great personality, but if he has a great ass, you're just going to stick your tongue up it and then probably follow with your cock, and when guys are moaning incoherently or screaming in ecstasy, their personalities are all pretty much the same, and if you're taking them from behind, you can't see how nice their smiles are.


Paul said...

Blue jeans HAVE to be one of the sexiest articles of clothing that have ever been invented. I'm just saying.

Lewis said...

/Embrace my inner beanpole? oh my. even on thursdays??/

Tork said...

Well, Ted, I'm afraid you have spoiled me. Whenever I see your pictures now, I run my mouse over them to see if the guys undress or do other neat tricks. Not that I am complained when they don't.

Will said...

Picking up on Tork's comment, one of the disadvantages of your mouse flipping pictures is that if a reader likes the top picture and would like to file it for future, ah, reference, it flips to the back-up before it can be captured and dragged into his ass file or his great looking guys file.

I'm just saying.

I am not a fan of current male fashion, particularly young male fashion. A man's clothing should show his junk off to its best advantage. Baggy, shapeless board shorts, loose jeans worn just above the pubes (so as to cut the body horizontally at an awkward level for prime ogling) and always with a shirt, etc. were obviously devised by a coven of fashion designing nuns to be the garment equivalent of saltpeter. And the boys have bought it for some reason I cannot fathom. The blogs of young gay men with astounding bodies are full of contempt for speedos which is precisely what they should be wearing at the beach if it can't be a nude beach.

The Blackout Blog said...

1) Note to self: stop reading books and do more squats. This post made me laugh out loud!

2) I'm with Will. Down with board shorts. Let's see more speedos (or mid/square cuts for the more conservative).

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Thursdays are tough days, lewis. If you're not going to embrace your inner beanpole then, when would be a better time?

Will: I read on someone's blog (and I'm sorry that I don't remember whose blog it was: I would like to give credit where it's due) that there's a theory that Americans' prudishness about the human body is a contributing factor in our obesity. I don't know whether that's true, and I would prefer to live in a culture where there was neither prudishness nor body fascism so that everyone could go to the nude beach without fear. I've been told that in Brazil, men of all shapes and sizes go to the beach in thongs; then again, I've never personally met a Brazilian man who wasn't both beautiful and hung, so maybe there just isn't any reason for any of them not to let it all hang out.

Regardless, I agree that those who've got it should flaunt it. I find an ass framed with tan lines almost unbearably sexy, but I reckon I'm willing to sacrifice that pleasure if it means seeing more naked guys.