Gifts for Holiday Giving

In recognition of the fact that it's the most wonderful time of the year, b&c and I will be having our annual holiday party this Saturday. Usually, we try to have it closer to the holiday, but next weekend my kids will be over, and the following weekend, his mother will be down visiting us, so it's early this year. I like entertaining. Or at least I like to cook for people and I like having people around. I find the whole not-knowing-how-many-people-will-be-there thing (There will be somewhere between six and twenty-five of us at the party. I would be hard pressed to narrow it down much beyond that, at least until late Saturday afternoon.) mildly vexing, but since I always make enough food for fifty people, it's not really a problem. No, the real problem is always: what am I going to do with all this wine?


I am always a gracious host, so if you show up at my door with yet another bottle of nondescript red, I'll be genuinely happy to take it off your hands (wine: good). I always tell people not to bring anything, but I've given up that battle. Still, I can't help but think that there's a crisis of imagination when no one can think of something more original than vino.

There's an obvious solution to this problem, but incredibly, The Leather Rack does not sell gift cards. Fortunately, I have some other suggestions.


1. Nothing says "Thanks for inviting me!" like a blowjob. Everyone I know already has too much stuff cluttering up his house or apartment. And nobody doesn't like a blowjob, right? You can't, obviously, just show up at someone's home and say, "I didn't want to bring a bottle of wine, so can I just suck you off instead?" That would be wrong: you would just have insulted all the people who did bring wine. You do, of course, want to put all those Syrah slingers in their place, but you have to do it without seeming to mean to.

To pull this off, you're going to need a look. It's a little bit of work to arrange, but after you've done it the first time, you'll be set for years' worth of parties. You will need a pair of knee pads, a can of spray paint, a clean jockstrap, a leather jacket, a pair of work boots, and a Santa cap. The spray paint should be either gold or silver, depending on which goes better with your skin tone. Apply the spray paint to the knee pads. I think what you do with everything else should be fairly obvious. All that remains is for you to walk in the door, remove your top coat, point to yourself, shout "ho ho ho," and sink to your knees. If your host fails to appreciate any part of this gesture, it will reflect poorly on him, not on you. And nobody can say you didn't try.


2. If your host is one of those weird power bottoms (but I'm not judging) who doesn't like having his cock sucked (I've actually met a few people like this, but I still don't believe it.), then paint the knee pads the appropriate color, put them in a box, and present them to him. If you shop around, you'll see that a pair of knee pads can be found for less than the cost of a decent bottle of Pinot Noir. It is permitted, when you hand the gift over, to say, "Oh, open it now or later: it doesn't matter," but then you should be prepared to answer the door and fetch drinks for the next hour or so while your host is otherwise occupied. Also, giving your host knee pads and then accepting a blowjob from him is like a straight man who gives his wife power tools: rude! You may, however, accept a bj if and when you stay after the party to help with the dishes.


3. Car emergency kits. I don't mean those things with chocks (unless he's into that), flares (unless he's into that), and jumper cables (unless he's into that; in which case, send me pictures). I mean a kit for the real car emergency: when your buddy is driving down the road and gets a call or text from a fuckbuddy who wants to hook up RIGHT NOW. He might be miles away from a drugstore, but if he's received a present from a thoughtful friend, he'll always be ready.

You're going to want to start with something along the lines of a pencil case: compact so that it will fit in his glove compartment; nondescript so that it won't attract attention; and opaque so that if someone does see it they won't know what's inside. Then load it up with the essentials: three condoms, a small tube of lubricant, Altoids (mints or gum), a packet of wipes, a pair of nail clippers, and an emery board. Depending on how well you know the recipient and how flush you're feeling, you might want to include some extras: poppers, nipple clamps, handcuffs, an appropriate pharmaceutical, a good chocolate bar, and/or a CD of mood music, preferably including Janis Joplin singing "Ball and Chain" and The Ramones singing "I Wanna Be Sedated."


4. A CD that you've mixed yourself conveys a nice thought, but your host might take it to mean that you don't approve of the music he's playing. Even if you don't approve of the music he's playing, you shouldn't say so, either implicitly or explicitly. (Instead, wait until he's out of the room, have someone create a diversion, and replace what he's playing with something better from his own collection. If there's nothing better in his collection, then suck it up and find another occasion to give him some better music.) But burning your own porno DVD of your favorite adult action scenes that you've collected throughout the year is both novel and considerate. You can present this with a box of tissues, if you like, but a handkerchief is more environmentally friendly. If you're going to give a colored bandanna, of course, you should make sure that the color represents something that he actually likes so that he doesn't accidentally stick it in his pocket and end up in a situation not of his own choosing.

Personally, in such cases, I always avoid saying anything like, "I was thinking of you when I made this." Unless I want to go there, of course.