Friday, July 13, 2007

Daddy Starbucks

Lookit, people. I'm fed up. FED UP.

From this morning's missed connections. We have

Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-13, 11:52AM EDT

I'm looking for the guy who was # 6 in the Cobalt best package contest last night. I think your name was Mario? we smiled at each other a few times and then I whispered that you should have won when you were standing at the end of the bar near the boys room.

And then immediately beneath (i.e., before) it, we have

Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-13, 10:31AM EDT

We chatted for a bit on the dance floor at cobalt. I was a little bit hammered. You had the piercing in your chin. Cute. I also said that you lived in stafford? But I know you don't. If you remember me. Drop me a line.

Dudes. You were talking to a guy in a gay bar. Is there any conceivable location where it's more okay to ask for a guy's number? Are you not, in fact, expected to ask for a guy's number? Do they not, in fact, provide little slips of paper for you to either write your own or the other guy's number down on?

I am laying down the law, people. If you don't have the balls to ask for a guy's number, or give him your own, at a gay bar, you can't ask for it the next day on craigslist. If you do, I will send you an email mocking your sorry, sorry ass.

Well, okay, I don't have time to read all the missed connections let alone email all of the pathetic ones (i.e., all of them), but there's at least the chance that I'll email you. You don't want to take the chance.

And while I'm mocking. Here's one from yesterday.

Cute dad on the Red Line this a.m. - m4m - 32

Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-11, 10:11AM EDT

I got on at Dupont at about 8:30 this morning, wearing a brown glen plaid suit, blue shirt and salmon tie. I was talking to two friends. After Farragut North, I moved and stood right in front of you, thus noticing you for the first time. You were holding a Starbucks cup and an adorably sleepy toddler.

I didn't notice a wedding ring, but I did notice you stealing glances at me. I was stealing glances at you myself -- before you got off at Metro Center, that is.

So, what's your story -- divorced and recently coming out? Would love to find out.

Where to begin?

1. You were in front of this guy for one whole stop? How much glance sneaking could there have been?

2. You were hitting on a guy in front of his toddler child. Ewwww. Well, okay, you rock. Or you would rock if you'd actually had the balls to hit on the guy. As it is, you're pathetic. And creepy.

3. He was probably glancing at you because he was worried that you were going to drool on his child. Or maybe you look like his wife's divorce lawyer. Or his mistress' husband. Not every guy who looks at you wants you, dude. Some of them just want you to go away. I do, however, give you credit for not asking whether he "plays for our team."

4. Since when did Metro start allowing people to bring Starbucks on the subway? Has there been a change in policy? I really need to know this because there's a Starbucks downstairs from my office and the Metro station is only a block and a half away. But I'm pretty sure they haven't changed the policy, so you're interested in a criminal. Sure, I understand the attraction to the bad boys, but I think the whole toddler thing kind of undermines the "he's a rebel, and he'll never ever be any good" thing. Besides, you'll get disbarred. Stop looking for recently divorced men on the subway. Go to Cobalt like everyone else.


Jeffrey said...

You're kinda hot when you're feisty.

Dagon said...

From Austin, TX today:

you crashed your lexus thru a fence - 40
Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-14, 3:55PM CDT

I showed up in the big red truck, we talked about your car, and how I had ran into the back of someone. I would like to see you again. please let me know if your interested. hope things worked out for you.

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Nom de plume! It had never even occurred to me that there would be missed connections in Texas. I'm not going to check them out, though, just because if I ever started reading them, I'm sure I'd never do anything else again.

Dagon said...

Because we abhor mass transit infrastructure, all our missed connections involve big red trucks.

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Yeah, but you know what they say about men who drive red trucks.