Friday, November 30, 2007

I Can Make You a Man

Warning: full frontal male nudity later in this post. And, no, that doesn't mean "scroll down now." Geez. Read the post.

We here at The Neighbors Will Hear are all about the holiday season. And we're all about the hot men. This is one of those killing-two-birds-with-one-stone posts. Unless it's one of those post about a bird in the hand being worth two in the bush, but maybe we won't go there. Today.

Nothing says "holiday" like gingerbread men. But if you're like me, the standard gingerbread people don't do a lot for you, visually. Sure, they're tasty and spicy, the way a man should be, but they just don't look quite right. I'm always saying that if you don't like the man you have, you should go out and get one who suits you. Or, in this case, make one that suits you.

The hardest part about making your gingerbread hunk is getting the template right. (Deciding what you want in a man is harder than finding him. Uh huh.) Hopefully, you're either better than me at drawing (trust me: that is not setting the bar very high) or you're better than me at finding icons from men's rooms that can be easily translated into a cookie template. None of the ones I found was what I wanted, so I folded a bunch of pieces of paper in half, got out a pencil and a ruler, and started to experiment. If the proportions were wrong, I made adjustments, and before long, I had a small orgy of paper cutouts. Not as easy as posting an ad on craigslist, but the results are less frustrating and last longer.

As you can see, there are a lot of different shapes you can make, depending on what kind of man you want. I like the slimmer guys, but when it came to make my prototype man (The small army of gingerbread men comes later, before our holiday party. I can only hope that they don't end up with consciousness and I don't end up having a horror movie "based on a true story" about me.), I went for one of the mid-sized muscled guys. I figured he'd be easier to handle.

Here's my guy ready for the oven. I did my best to give him nice pecs and abs, but I'm thinking I fell down a bit on the iliac furrow. Nobody's perfect.

And here he is out of the oven. He's, like, baked.

As you can see, he did lose a little bit of definition. It was to be expected: he's mostly carbs, after all.

When he comes out of the oven, he needs to sit on his pan for a few minutes and then cool on a rack for a while. Fortunately, he can hold a pose almost indefinitely. Then it's time to make him a little more anatomically correct. I may have exaggerated one of his features a little bit.

He's got a nice cock, but his nuts are a bit on the small side. I suspect steroids. I'll be sure to watch out for any unexplained rage. Here's another pic, this time with the flash on.

Overall, I think he looks pretty good, but his torso's too long for his legs. I guess that means gingerbread hunk 1.0 gets devoured, and I try again to get the template just right. Once I get the proportions just right, I reckon the decorating will become somewhat more elaborate.

I'll probably have two or three templates, just so I can see which of my friends goes for which type of gingerbread hunk. I anticipate a certain amount of back and forth about who's a size queen, but what's a holiday party without a healthy splash of bitchiness?

Now I just have to get working on that life-sized photograph for "Pin the Cock on the Twink." I already have the blindfolds, naturally.


Silly Billy said...

Awww, I needed to read something like this today. Thanks for the laugh.

jason said...

TED, I am thinking you ought to give these men nice ass h so that when they stack up, the cocks will fit in and not breaking up.