Thursday, November 1, 2007

Miserere Nobis

I don't want to sound alarmist, but things are getting out of hand. I might go so far as to call it a crisis: a crisis of imagination. I'm writing, of course, about the m2m personals in the local craigslist. Back in the day, you never had to look very far for the ads that had the repulsive allure of a trainwreck. Nowadays, it's pretty dull.

Still, if you try, you can find something moderately amusing:

ur blk jezus looking for rough racial sex - 25

Reply to:
Date: 2007-10-31, 2:04PM EDT

looking for white guys that will let me whip them and 'rape' them to give payback for the slavery my black ancestors went through. looking for safe kinky fun and looking for now or later in aaco.
Sexual reparations (especially the whipping and bottoming part) are not so much my thing, but even if they were, I'd have to give the guy a pass because of the scare quotes. Still, I'd guess that he'll get some response. Maybe from this guy:

White Mouth for Use By Black Guys Saturday Night - 45

Reply to:
Date: 2007-10-31, 3:34PM EDT

White Mouth for Use By Black Guys Saturday Night....White cocksucker looking to provide total uninhibited service to a group of black men this coming Saturday night, November 3. Sucking, fucking, rimming, w/s, few limits. Looking for a group of 4 to 6 black guys. Beer, poppers cool. I'm in shape, 5ft 9in, 175lbs, short military cut dark hair.
I've said (many times) before that I don't understand racial fetishization. I'm much more of a black-or-yellow-red-or-white-they-are-precious-in-his-sight kind of guy. But you can't help what you like, right? These two ads don't match up perfectly, but I reckon the two of them could negotiate an encounter that would please both of them. It's all about being flexible.

I don't have much of an opinion on the reparations movement. I think reparations are justified, but implementing them seems logistically difficult and politically impossible. And I have my doubts that the reparations movement wants to give up its claims in exchange for an evening of unlubricated buttsex. Still, if you're going to make up for hundreds of years of oppression with a single fuck, well, that's gonna be some fuck. I don't get the whole "ur blk jezus" thing, though. Isn't this scenario really asking for the bottom to be the sacrificial lamb and to take on the weight of his race's wrongdoings? I hate it when people don't consider their analogies carefully enough. Still, given the likely intensity and the symbolism, I feel like I should volunteer to observe the session and sing an "Agnus Dei" while it's going on.

(Even further aside than usual: why are masses and other ecclesiastical music so rare in porn soundtracks? They'd be a huge improvement over the usual repetitive electronic crap they play. The next time a bottom is riding me, I think I'll try singing the "Libera Me" from the Faure Requiem and see how it goes over. Potential downside: I know the baritone solo by heart, but getting a choir in the bedroom to do the choral parts could be tricky. Maybe I should just sing the "Pie Jesu" down an octave and a fourth instead, but the "Libera Me" is really better suited for anal. You don't really want the bottom to be thinking about everlasting rest. When did sex get to be so complicated?)

Will I lose all of my slut cred if I admit that I've never been to the Crew Club (the local sex club in DC) or any sex club? I'm not good at performing in public, and why go to the livestock auction when you can order up exactly what you want on the Internet? Still, I can see the attraction. But if you're going for random, anonymous sex, don't you lose part of the experience when you try to arrange it in advance? For instance:

Halloween night at Crew Club? - 38

Reply to:
Date: 2007-10-31, 3:19PM EDT

I don't want to be at home this evening, dealing with the bratty little trick-or-treaters (<-- not that I'm anti-kids, it's just that my neighborhood is full of budding gangster punks) and I'm not really up for going to the bars. So, I'm thinking of heading to Crew Club and getting my ass pumped chockful of cum. Any horny and hung white tops heading there this evening? LOVE getting fucked bareback and swallowing loads of cum in the steamroom. (Sorry, this trick-or-treater doesn't want any chocolate bars!) Let me know if you want to hook up there tonight!!
Unsafe sex at a sex club strikes me as particularly stupid, but one presumes the guy who posted the ad is positive and looking for other positive guys. I think he should be a bit more forthright about it, but how can you reason with someone who doesn't like chocolate bars. Or is that a metaphor? You see how naive I really am.

I see this next sort of ad every so often. The guys it appeals to are all over and squirt.

Married Men's Daytime Sex Group - 40

Reply to:
Date: 2007-10-31, 9:52AM EDT

Planning a daytime, group sex event sometime during the week. You need to be 1) discrete, 2) attractive, 3) ddf, 4)gay, bi or bi-curious, 4) open-minded, and 5) sexually adventurous.
If this sounds like you, please send pic (ok to have face darkened out), accurate stats and availability.
Because of the nature of this event, no one will be invited who has not sent a pic.... sorry about that.
(Okay, people, I'm only going to say this once [today]: "discrete" and "discreet" are different words with different meanings. Learn them and use them properly. I don't really give a fuck if you want to cheat on your wife, but don't cheat on your mother tongue.)

I post the above ad only to mention that some time ago I was saying to b&c that I thought it might be a good business model to get all of the married gay guys together to invest in a (very) short-term rental property. I'd sell partnership interests, and the partnership would buy a local condo and members could use it for their tricks for a small additional fee. Eventually, we'd sell the condo and the investors would get a return. (It was a better plan when the housing market was going up and up and up, but it'll be a good plan when the market's at its bottom, too.)

B&c informed me that there was already at least one such shared trysting place. I think he said it was in Bethesda, and the arrangement's very similar to what I envisioned. Apparently, the partners also have occasional sex parties. There's a small per-use charge, and there are designated partners or vendors who take care of laundry, etc. I'm glad to see that the market works sometimes.

By the way, b&c also told me that there's a group of married men who volunteer one morning a week at a local soup kitchen type of charity. Then after they've finished feeding the homeless, they go somewhere and feed each other. I'm guessing that they do this not so much out of a charitable impulse as from a need to have a good excuse to get away from their wives, but good works are good works. I just hope they wear gloves when they're doing the food prep.


Anonymous said...

B&c informed me that there was already at least one such shared trysting place. I think he said it was in Bethesda, and the arrangement's very similar to what I envisioned.

There's also one over on 10th Street NW, near the Convention Center.

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Brian, I think that even though you don't live here any more, you probably still know more about who's sleeping with whom and where they're doing it than anybody else. I would just ask you about these things, but then I'd lose the thrill of discovering them for myself.