Friday, November 16, 2007

Three Unrelated Items

1. I spent all day Thursday -- and will spend all day Friday -- at a seminar on passthrough taxation. It was all very tedious, but at lunch, a couple of the people at my table began talking about Larry Craig and toe tapping. It kills me that in such a context I'm really not free to hold forth about Larry Craig, toe tapping, and man-on-man sex in general. I know a lot more about it than I know about passthrough taxation, and it's a much more interesting topic, but I'm pretty sure my boss would not be amused. Actually, he might be amused, but no one else would be, and he certainly wouldn't approve.

During the afternoon session, while I was fighting off sleep, the knee of the guy sitting next to me brushed up against my thigh. It barely touched, but he didn't seem to be moving it away, so I kept my thigh where it was on the off chance he was trying to subtly feel out any interest on my part. He wasn't all that hot, but he was definitely fuckable. Besides, he was from North Dakota, and I'm pretty sure I've never done a North Dakotan. Sadly, though, the contact never increased, and he eventually moved his leg away without any apparent knowledge that we'd ever been in contact. I very subtly adjusted my leg so that he'd have further opportunity, but he was engrossed in taking notes about passthrough taxation and it was clear that the earlier brush had been accidental. At least it kept me awake for a few minutes.

2. A brief, but not brief enough, correspondence between me and the terrible hookup from last weekend. Names have been modified; message text is in bold. Nothing else has been changed, but some commentary -- in italics -- has been added.

from TobaccoBTTM
to TED
date Nov 14, 2007 4:11 PM

hi, want to try again? but sorry no kissing,turned me off sorry, i really want your cock, fingers, up my ass, your cock in my mouth.

Here we have an unsolicited offer of sexual favors from someone who must have known that the initial encounter was a disaster. It is not clear whether the specific sexual favors offered stem from either ignorance of or apathy about why the initial encounter was such a disaster. Neither explanation bespeaks any degree of sexual self-awareness, a necessary component in a good playmate.

Experts disagree as to the correct manner to handle an invitation that the recipient will not, under any imaginable circumstances, accept. Many suggest simply acting as if the invitation had never been offered. Others encourage a simple but vague refusal, though this course of action is rendered more difficult when one has not been invited for a specific event and time. What is the response likely to be?

from TED
to TobaccoBTTM
date Nov 14, 2007 4:41 PM

No, thanks.

Ah, the short and polite but unequivocal refusal. This missive is clearly designed to terminate all communication without overt rudeness.

from TobaccoBTTM
to TED
date Nov 14, 2007 4:42 PM

may i ask why ?

But something has gone terribly wrong! Not only did TobaccoBTTM continue correspondence: he has asked a question that a) he has no right to ask and b) he really ought to know the answer too, already. It would not be surprising if, at this point, TED were to allow a bit of pique to show through in a reply, though it can certainly be argued that the best strategy here is not to reply at all.

from TED
to TobaccoBTTM
date Nov 14, 2007 7:21 PM

I think I explained in earlier emails and ads that kissing is really
important to me. If a guy's really good at sucking cock, then sometimes I can do without it, but usually not. I at least need to be able to work a guy's nipples well.

Besides, you were in way too much of a hurry last time, and when you left, I saw that someone else had driven you and was waiting in my driveway for you, and that freaked me out a little.

Oh, TED, we fear you will come to regret this explanation. Not only have you answered an impertinent question, but you have given your correspondent a great deal to work with. Surely you must have anticipated that with so many different points in your e-mail, TobaccoBTTM would seize on one or two items which are not central to your lack of interest in him.

One must, of course, applaud your politeness in the face of such rudeness, but one also cannot help wondering whether you're now failing to terminate correspondence because you find the odd workings of TobaccoBTTM's mind somehow entertaining.

from TobaccoBTTM
to TED
date Nov 14, 2007 7:27 PM

that was my wife

At moments like these, it is regrettable that The Neighbors Will Hear does not have one of those widgets that allows a poll to be taken of the readership. If it did, surely we would now ask whether OMG or WTF is the more appropriate response to this rather astonishing revelation. What are the odds that TED's just going to let the matter drop now, though? If you said "slim to none," you're almost certainly correct.

from TED
to TobaccoBTTM
date Nov 14, 2007 7:48 PM

Does your wife drive you to all your hookups? That's bizarre.

Unsurprisingly, TED has chosen neither OMG nor WTF. Clearly, he is intrigued. Part of him probably wishes that he'd merely answered "may I ask why?" with "You smell bad," but we can count on his immense curiosity about sexual behavior to compel him to gather information. Note also TED's effective use of understatement.

from TobaccoBTTM
to TED
date Nov 14, 2007 7:52 PM

yes she does, and not that many for real, if were not for kissing i think we would have a great time ,

One can, perhaps, appreciate TobaccoBTTM's singular attetion to his goal. His libido, or perhaps his lack of intelligence, has blinded him to the clear indications that TED has no sexual interest in him. He is even attempting to put his best foot forward by demonstrating his lack of promiscuity. Experience has taught us that lack of promiscuity is not a trait likely to garner much respect from TED.

from TED
to TobaccoBTTM
date Nov 14, 2007 8:34 PM

I think it would kill the mood for me knowing that your wife is waiting in the driveway. Plus, it means we would have to hurry.

Here again, TED is avoiding the central point in order to hear more from this strange beast who wants his cock. Come on, TED, you've gotten all you're going to get from this guy: it's time to wrap it up.

from TobaccoBTTM
to TED
date Nov 14, 2007 8:38 PM

wife was going to leave after 30 mins, knowing we where getting along, --- SEX-----, WE COULD HAVE PLAYED ALLNITE IF YOU WANTED , you could have fucked me as long as you wanted, and still can .

Ponder if you will, readers, the sort of marriage that allows and encourages this behavior. Would you drive your partner to a hookup, wait to make sure he was having a good time, and then leave him there for an indefinite period? TED is absolutely certain that he would ever have the unmitigated gall to suggest such a thing to b&c. TED admires the TobaccoBTTM family for reducing its carbon footprint by maintaining fewer vehicles, but he can't help wondering whether TobaccoBTTM didn't drive because of a DUI conviction. In any case, the suggestion of having Mr. Kool in his bed all night long is enough to make TED step away from the computer.

from TobaccoBTTM
to TED
date Nov 14, 2007 9:01 PM

can we play ?

Persistence occasionally pays dividends, but often not.

from TED
to TobaccoBTTM
date Nov 14, 2007 11:16 PM

No, thanks.

Buoyed by episode one of season four of Project Runway, TED finds the strength to make a final reply. He hopes that he hears no more from TobaccoBTTM.

3. I rarely if ever post online test results here, but the seven deadly sins test seemed to get me almost exactly right. Here's what it told me:
Your sin has been measured. You have committed many sins, but Lust is the mortal sin that has done you in. Just below, discover your full sinful breakdown and learn what it is about you that codemns you to hell.

And here's my full sinful breakdown:

Sloth:Very High
Envy:Very Low
Lust:Very High
Pride:Very Low

I believe my gluttony to be slightly understated, and I might have switched the greed and envy ratings, but I can't really argue with the analysis. My wrath is probably lower on weekends, but I did face traffic yesterday. Anyway, here's the link they want me to post after the results table:

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz


Paul said...

Coat and tie guys are hot.

Michael said...

What an understanding wife...I think?!?

Anonymous said...

OMG. You pressed on after "that was my wife"? I think I'd have to shut my computer off and go take a shower if I had that coming at me. Too freaky :D